I've started writing a story which is making writing this blog, more difficult, because any time i feel like writing i will write the story.
I just noticed that the word Blog comes up as a spelling error, when you're writing on an actual Blog. I personally find that quite funny.
I've a had a good weekend.
Went out with Robert on Friday, only cause Adam was in Manchester, and he kind of accepted and admitted that had Adam been at home, he wouldn't have spent Friday night with me, so i'm best friends with a bastard, he knows he is a bastard and wont change, but i'll still love him and let him, so there's not much i can really moan about.
Anyway we had a brilliant night.
Then Saturday, this short guy from school came up for Saturday night, he was really bloody shy, so me and Robert bought him round mine, then Jodie and Liam came round, and they bought Kerri. We basically got really drunk and went in the hot tub, then my mum and step dad went to bed, then kerri went to bed, Jodie and Liam had a massive argument, i went and got in bed with kerri and Robert and Ross stayed in my brothers room and i assume Jodie and Liam went to bed not long after.
When i woke up in the morning Kerri, Jodie and Liam had gone, my mum cooked a massive roast and Ross and Robert ate with us, robert helped me wash up and then left around an hour later.
Other than that i've just been at home, being unemployed, looking for work.
Its getting the point where that in itself is depressing me!
Monday, 21 February 2011
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Friday, Job interview, Anxiety, Another night out
Waking up to the sound of Dolly Parton, isn't a bad way to wake up, the song Jolene, is one of my favourites and there isnt another song i can think of that i would want to wake up to.
Sound odd? I agree. But in the words of K$sha, We r who we r.
My head is banging, and i know that in little under an hour, i have a telephone interview, with a bank.
I regret the last 5 drinks i had last night, but with so little in the area of self control, there is no chance of me learning from my mistakes.
Robert buzzes the intercom and i buzz him in without answering.
As soon as he walks in the door, i bamboozle him with left over drunkenness.
"Even if your not the funny one, if its down to you that a funny conversation was had, you're still funny arent you, and can take some credit?"
He looks confused and as tired and hungover as i do.
"I may have eaten your garlic bread, you might want to check," i say sheepishly, changing the subject before he has time to ponder the first question.
I get up, wrapped in the duvet and go and plonk myself on the living room floor, he busies about, makes me a cup of much needed coffee and gets himself ready for work.
He doesnt want to go, i dont want him to go either.
Half an hour later he has gone.
The telephone interview goes quite well and she tells me i passed and would find out within the next 4-6 weeks when the face to face interview is. The bank in question is in Derby, a flutter in my stomach tells me, i am excited, but very nervous.
I get dressed, do my make-up, watch Skins, then its nearly time to go to my job centre appointment.
I need to pop in to see Robert at work, he works at the bank i used to work at, i need a bank statement to take in with me.
As i leave and walk up the street i realise, that mentally i'm not feeling good, i keep looking behind me, feeling as though someone is following, i'm jumpy, and feel like i could cry, the world feels different to me, i cant quite explain how, but more still, like there is something missing, and i cant figure out what.
I go into the bank, Robert is with a customer, i pop my head round his pod and he passes me my statement, as i pass the two receptionists that have started since i left, they smile, somewhat patronisingly, and it the pit of my stomach, its there. Regret, deep regret, i wish i hadnt left, i wish i wasnt crazy, i wish i had been strong enough to stay there when i was depressed and i wish i had realised that the dreams of going to college to become a make-up artist hasnt overridden the dreams i had of getting far within banking.
Its too late though, i walk to the job centre, avoiding eye contact with anyone in town, fighting back the tears i could feel welling up.
The Job centre, was the most humiliating and anxiety-provoking experience i have had in my life. I have never felt so dumb, so out of place and so looked down on before in my whole life.
I leave feeling, and i hate to be so crude, but feeling totally wank.
I walk back to the Bank, the new guy, tells me that Robert is on his lunch, so i walk out and ring Robert, who comes down 2 minutes later, he only had 25 minutes left, so we stand and have a cigarette and talk rubbish, then he buys me a Ribena and we have another cigarette.
I tell him that i would honestly go to work for him, he is hating it at the minute, but i tell him, "the only thing worse than working there, is not working there."
Back at Roberts i spend the day, getting ready for the night ahead, Kerri was coming over and me and her were going out. Robert was going to Adam's work meal, Jodie and Liam would also be there, as Liam worked with Adam.
Watch some random TV, have a shower, borrow a hairdryer from Robert's downstairs neighbour, oh the JOY of facebook. Talk to Jodie online, wait for Robert to finish work.
He gets in, but has to get ready pretty much straight away. Adam arrives at 18.45, and they leave together, i watch the soaps, then turn my GHD's on and begin to curl my hair, while have an extremely hilarious conversation with my aunty Andrea on Facebook.
Kerri and her friend Viki arrive at 21.30.
I quickly do Kerri's make-up, and we sit and have a drink or two.
Viki is quite socially awkward, she is a year younger than us, and you can tell, whereas, Jodie, 2 years younger than us, you cant really tell, but maybe that is just because we are used to her. Viki is a nice girl, but quite naive, her ex boyfriend will be at Heights (the nightclub we are going to) with another girl, Viki is still sleeping with him, me and Kerri cant seem to get it through to her that he isnt worth it. This sort of behaviour from women, annoys me, probably because i am scared that with my fear of being alone, if i was to get into a relationship, i would act in much the same way. I hope not though.
We leave Roberts, leaving the key under a stone for him, in case he wanted to change on the way from the restaurant to the pub.
We have a laugh on the way there, Kerri gets out enough money to pay for me and her and buy us some fags, she is amazing in that way is Kerri. There was a point in our lives where i paid for EVERYTHING for her, nights out, fags, she came to my house every weekend, and i would supply the alcohol, now when i need money she will ALWAYS lend it to me. Credit to me though, if i owe someone money, i will always pay up.
Heights is a drunken blur, we dance, we drink, we smoke, we go for wee and lipgloss touch up. Some of my other friends are there, Nadine and Lauren, we hang out with them a bit.
The only bad thing of the night is that, when on the dancefloor, Kerri hugs Viki and dances with her more than me, and something in me snapped, i hit Kerri, only on the arm, and not that hard, but she hugged me straight away and apologised. I feel awful about that now, how dare I? It is so immature, i am too possessive, its really not good.
Apart from that, the night goes OK. Me and Kerri run out of money, so Lauren buys us some chips to share and we go home.
We raid Roberts cupboard and Kerri has tinned new potatoes and vegetable soup, whereas i go for the new potatoes and mushy peas.
Crazy!
We have an in depth and drunk talk about music in bed, before going to sleep.
Me and Kerri.
Sound odd? I agree. But in the words of K$sha, We r who we r.
My head is banging, and i know that in little under an hour, i have a telephone interview, with a bank.
I regret the last 5 drinks i had last night, but with so little in the area of self control, there is no chance of me learning from my mistakes.
Robert buzzes the intercom and i buzz him in without answering.
As soon as he walks in the door, i bamboozle him with left over drunkenness.
"Even if your not the funny one, if its down to you that a funny conversation was had, you're still funny arent you, and can take some credit?"
He looks confused and as tired and hungover as i do.
"I may have eaten your garlic bread, you might want to check," i say sheepishly, changing the subject before he has time to ponder the first question.
I get up, wrapped in the duvet and go and plonk myself on the living room floor, he busies about, makes me a cup of much needed coffee and gets himself ready for work.
He doesnt want to go, i dont want him to go either.
Half an hour later he has gone.
The telephone interview goes quite well and she tells me i passed and would find out within the next 4-6 weeks when the face to face interview is. The bank in question is in Derby, a flutter in my stomach tells me, i am excited, but very nervous.
I get dressed, do my make-up, watch Skins, then its nearly time to go to my job centre appointment.
I need to pop in to see Robert at work, he works at the bank i used to work at, i need a bank statement to take in with me.
As i leave and walk up the street i realise, that mentally i'm not feeling good, i keep looking behind me, feeling as though someone is following, i'm jumpy, and feel like i could cry, the world feels different to me, i cant quite explain how, but more still, like there is something missing, and i cant figure out what.
I go into the bank, Robert is with a customer, i pop my head round his pod and he passes me my statement, as i pass the two receptionists that have started since i left, they smile, somewhat patronisingly, and it the pit of my stomach, its there. Regret, deep regret, i wish i hadnt left, i wish i wasnt crazy, i wish i had been strong enough to stay there when i was depressed and i wish i had realised that the dreams of going to college to become a make-up artist hasnt overridden the dreams i had of getting far within banking.
Its too late though, i walk to the job centre, avoiding eye contact with anyone in town, fighting back the tears i could feel welling up.
The Job centre, was the most humiliating and anxiety-provoking experience i have had in my life. I have never felt so dumb, so out of place and so looked down on before in my whole life.
I leave feeling, and i hate to be so crude, but feeling totally wank.
I walk back to the Bank, the new guy, tells me that Robert is on his lunch, so i walk out and ring Robert, who comes down 2 minutes later, he only had 25 minutes left, so we stand and have a cigarette and talk rubbish, then he buys me a Ribena and we have another cigarette.
I tell him that i would honestly go to work for him, he is hating it at the minute, but i tell him, "the only thing worse than working there, is not working there."
Back at Roberts i spend the day, getting ready for the night ahead, Kerri was coming over and me and her were going out. Robert was going to Adam's work meal, Jodie and Liam would also be there, as Liam worked with Adam.
Watch some random TV, have a shower, borrow a hairdryer from Robert's downstairs neighbour, oh the JOY of facebook. Talk to Jodie online, wait for Robert to finish work.
He gets in, but has to get ready pretty much straight away. Adam arrives at 18.45, and they leave together, i watch the soaps, then turn my GHD's on and begin to curl my hair, while have an extremely hilarious conversation with my aunty Andrea on Facebook.
Kerri and her friend Viki arrive at 21.30.
I quickly do Kerri's make-up, and we sit and have a drink or two.
Viki is quite socially awkward, she is a year younger than us, and you can tell, whereas, Jodie, 2 years younger than us, you cant really tell, but maybe that is just because we are used to her. Viki is a nice girl, but quite naive, her ex boyfriend will be at Heights (the nightclub we are going to) with another girl, Viki is still sleeping with him, me and Kerri cant seem to get it through to her that he isnt worth it. This sort of behaviour from women, annoys me, probably because i am scared that with my fear of being alone, if i was to get into a relationship, i would act in much the same way. I hope not though.
We leave Roberts, leaving the key under a stone for him, in case he wanted to change on the way from the restaurant to the pub.
We have a laugh on the way there, Kerri gets out enough money to pay for me and her and buy us some fags, she is amazing in that way is Kerri. There was a point in our lives where i paid for EVERYTHING for her, nights out, fags, she came to my house every weekend, and i would supply the alcohol, now when i need money she will ALWAYS lend it to me. Credit to me though, if i owe someone money, i will always pay up.
Heights is a drunken blur, we dance, we drink, we smoke, we go for wee and lipgloss touch up. Some of my other friends are there, Nadine and Lauren, we hang out with them a bit.
The only bad thing of the night is that, when on the dancefloor, Kerri hugs Viki and dances with her more than me, and something in me snapped, i hit Kerri, only on the arm, and not that hard, but she hugged me straight away and apologised. I feel awful about that now, how dare I? It is so immature, i am too possessive, its really not good.
Apart from that, the night goes OK. Me and Kerri run out of money, so Lauren buys us some chips to share and we go home.
We raid Roberts cupboard and Kerri has tinned new potatoes and vegetable soup, whereas i go for the new potatoes and mushy peas.
Crazy!
Me and Kerri.
Saturday, 12 February 2011
My night with Roberts friends
So Thurday, i get out out of bed at 4pm, i know right, ridiculous, but i didnt get to sleep til 5am, thats still 11 hours sleep, what a lazy cow!!
I got downstairs and my stepdad had my dinner ready, i ate it, and then went and sat on the sofa.
My mum and stepdad were stood in the kitchen chatting, my stepdad popped his head round the door and in his most patronising voice "Misha can you that washing up, before the boys go to bed."
I dont know why but it just made my blood boil, its the only thing either of them have said to me for a few days, so i decided i would go to Roberts, i text him to check it was ok, he said it was fine.
Then gave me a call.
"I'm going over Adams for tea tonight, but then we are going to Hob if you want to come."
"I might do," i said, "i'll see."
I did the washing up and got dressed, did my hair and make-up and packed my bag, my mum had gone to netball so i just left the house, saying goodbye to Richard on my way out and went to Roberts.
I had some Vodka there, so i drank that, Robert text to ask if i wanted to go to Adams for tea but i decided to go after they had finished.
I finished off the vodka, watched Eastenders and then it was time to go. I felt a bit nervous, because i knew there would be quite a few people there, that i didnt know, but put it to the back of my head, took a deep breath and knocked on Adams door.
A girl called Jade, answered the door, and Robert came and met me in the living room, i took my coat off and then followed them into the dining room and then through to the kitchen.
Robert got me a glass to drink my wine, everyone was in the conservatory smoking.
when they came out, Adam gave me a hug and introduced me to Anna and Robin, i already knew Laura, who i happen to have a very small crush on.
We sat in Adams dining room listening to old pop songs and talking, and it was actually quite nice, even though i had that feeling that i couldnt quite be myself, always feeling a little on edge, but then all the friends i have at the moment are people i have chosen, i am not used to hanging around with people i didnt kind of chose myself.
Robert and Adam were very couply, i didnt really care, which is good.
When we were nice and drunk we went to the Hob, where we met terry and Tristan, another gay couple very close to Adam, i get on with Terry really well.
Robin, an extremely good looking gay man was going round the pub begging people to go to Chicago's with him, i agreed, i was drunk and thought it would be fun, plus i knew Laura was going.
Robin and Anna then taught me some dance moves to some Steps songs, the Robin introduced me to a lesbian called Katy, who was going to come to Chicagos, and we left, i hugged Robert, Adam, Terry, Tristan and probably a few other people i didnt even know goodbye and we left.
There was no queue for chicago's we went in, bought a drink and went out to the smoking area, i did my usual trick of minesweeping, which means stealing random drinks.
Anyway, i danced the night away, leaving at about 2.30, after telling Laura i fancy her, Robin had asked me if i did and i didnt want him to tell her.
I got some chips and went back to Roberts, watched some tele, cooked a garlic bread and then went to bed, where i couldnt sleep.
It took me a long while, but eventually i got there, waking up at 7.40 to let Robert in.
I got downstairs and my stepdad had my dinner ready, i ate it, and then went and sat on the sofa.
My mum and stepdad were stood in the kitchen chatting, my stepdad popped his head round the door and in his most patronising voice "Misha can you that washing up, before the boys go to bed."
I dont know why but it just made my blood boil, its the only thing either of them have said to me for a few days, so i decided i would go to Roberts, i text him to check it was ok, he said it was fine.
Then gave me a call.
"I'm going over Adams for tea tonight, but then we are going to Hob if you want to come."
"I might do," i said, "i'll see."
I did the washing up and got dressed, did my hair and make-up and packed my bag, my mum had gone to netball so i just left the house, saying goodbye to Richard on my way out and went to Roberts.
I had some Vodka there, so i drank that, Robert text to ask if i wanted to go to Adams for tea but i decided to go after they had finished.
I finished off the vodka, watched Eastenders and then it was time to go. I felt a bit nervous, because i knew there would be quite a few people there, that i didnt know, but put it to the back of my head, took a deep breath and knocked on Adams door.
A girl called Jade, answered the door, and Robert came and met me in the living room, i took my coat off and then followed them into the dining room and then through to the kitchen.
Robert got me a glass to drink my wine, everyone was in the conservatory smoking.
when they came out, Adam gave me a hug and introduced me to Anna and Robin, i already knew Laura, who i happen to have a very small crush on.
We sat in Adams dining room listening to old pop songs and talking, and it was actually quite nice, even though i had that feeling that i couldnt quite be myself, always feeling a little on edge, but then all the friends i have at the moment are people i have chosen, i am not used to hanging around with people i didnt kind of chose myself.
Robert and Adam were very couply, i didnt really care, which is good.
When we were nice and drunk we went to the Hob, where we met terry and Tristan, another gay couple very close to Adam, i get on with Terry really well.
Robin, an extremely good looking gay man was going round the pub begging people to go to Chicago's with him, i agreed, i was drunk and thought it would be fun, plus i knew Laura was going.
Robin and Anna then taught me some dance moves to some Steps songs, the Robin introduced me to a lesbian called Katy, who was going to come to Chicagos, and we left, i hugged Robert, Adam, Terry, Tristan and probably a few other people i didnt even know goodbye and we left.
There was no queue for chicago's we went in, bought a drink and went out to the smoking area, i did my usual trick of minesweeping, which means stealing random drinks.
Anyway, i danced the night away, leaving at about 2.30, after telling Laura i fancy her, Robin had asked me if i did and i didnt want him to tell her.
I got some chips and went back to Roberts, watched some tele, cooked a garlic bread and then went to bed, where i couldnt sleep.
It took me a long while, but eventually i got there, waking up at 7.40 to let Robert in.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
This quote defines me
"i'm all alone, nobody wants me, i am sad boring little person who has to be centre of attention every second of the day, just to drown out the screaming of my own insanity! i will never have anyone of my own!"
Just had to share that.
Just had to share that.
Being unemployed
I'm officially, a bum, an unemployed bum.
I'm not enjoying it, its really not very fun at all.
I've been applying for jobs non stop, i have a telephone interview at a bank on Friday, it happens to be in Derby, over 100 miles away from where i live, but my Nan lives in Derby, so if i get it i will go and live with her.
It seems crazy, that i spend all my time, terrified of people leaving me, and hating not being around the people i love 24/7 but i am prepared to move to Derby.
Robert is officially going out with Adam now, and i can see it lasting a long time, and even if it doesn't, i shouldn't let me and Robert go back to the way we were, because i'll only have to go through all this again in the future.
I know i need to start living life for myself and get used to my own company and be happy with that, and get all the other areas in my life to a point where i am happy with them.
My list
1. Getting a Job
2. Being able to spend time on my own, without feeling depressed
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Save money
6. Buy a Chanel Foundation
Last year i quit my job in a bank to go to college and study media Make-up.
I have realised my ambition isn't to be a make-up artist, but to earn enough money to buy all the make-up i want, and store it, and organise it, and play with it.
As soon as i started college all my inspiration went and make-up wasnt fun any more, since i left college, i've become obsessed with my make up again and i love it!!
I think its time to tidy my room, sort out my make up desk, and start afresh.
I'm feeling happier, just for writing this, i dont quite have the motivation i need, but i want to work on it.
I'm not enjoying it, its really not very fun at all.
I've been applying for jobs non stop, i have a telephone interview at a bank on Friday, it happens to be in Derby, over 100 miles away from where i live, but my Nan lives in Derby, so if i get it i will go and live with her.
It seems crazy, that i spend all my time, terrified of people leaving me, and hating not being around the people i love 24/7 but i am prepared to move to Derby.
Robert is officially going out with Adam now, and i can see it lasting a long time, and even if it doesn't, i shouldn't let me and Robert go back to the way we were, because i'll only have to go through all this again in the future.
I know i need to start living life for myself and get used to my own company and be happy with that, and get all the other areas in my life to a point where i am happy with them.
My list
1. Getting a Job
2. Being able to spend time on my own, without feeling depressed
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Save money
6. Buy a Chanel Foundation
Last year i quit my job in a bank to go to college and study media Make-up.
I have realised my ambition isn't to be a make-up artist, but to earn enough money to buy all the make-up i want, and store it, and organise it, and play with it.
As soon as i started college all my inspiration went and make-up wasnt fun any more, since i left college, i've become obsessed with my make up again and i love it!!
I think its time to tidy my room, sort out my make up desk, and start afresh.
I'm feeling happier, just for writing this, i dont quite have the motivation i need, but i want to work on it.
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