Friday the 15th January
Woke up feeling very good!! I have lots of plans for today, I am going to tidy my room, clean my make-up kit, do an exercise DVD, do a college project, help a friend in need and basically make sure that I am doing something at all points.
Apply for jobs i'm not even sure i'm qualified for! That's always fun!!
My phone woke me up again this morning.
Jodie – Where are you?
Kerri – Are you at work or college?
Clare – Are you going out tonight.
I reply, wish Jodie luck for her interview later, tell Kerri I am in fact at home and tell Clare that no, i'm not going out I am staying at home.
Clare replies within two minutes.
Just need to see some people. Had a massive falling out with my family, I might be moving out, and I need to get out of this house.
I text back saying that she is welcome to sleep at my house tonight but I do have work tomorrow, and Jodie and Liam may be here as well. The fact is that Clare is extremely defensive and having stayed at her house for 3 months in 2008 I know she often STARTS the arguments, plus I havent seen her for about 5 months and think its odd how she has text me now. But then she doesnt have any other friends other than Robert and I.
Jodie tells me she is babysitting my brothers tomorrow and that her and Liam may stay round tonight.
I get out of bed and come downstairs my mum is definitely in the house, but i'm not sure where exactly. Make my self some toast, eat it, have a cigarette and avoid thinking about anything in depth.
Later, after a little bout on the computer, I'm feeling in that mood where I want to make myself a different person, i'm going to concentrate on two things now.. Losing weigh and doing brilliantly at college! So off I go to do my fitness DVD!
Fitness DVD done, I managed half an hour, which is good considering I havent done any exercise for around five months, my friend Jodie will be in her interview at Clarks shoe shop right now, where I worked for year when I was 16.. I really hope she gets it. Gutted I dont have an interview yet, but I haven't even left my old job yet, I hate being unemployed makes me anxious cause I know how hard it is to get a job nowadays. I have good experience though, lots of sales and retail experience and if there is one thing I am good at, its job interviews.
Haven't spoken to Robert at all today. Strange but i'm not feeling that bothered. My emotions feel very detached at the moment, it may not be healthy but i'm protecting myself and that good. I've decided (for the millionth time in my life) that i'm going to do every thing I can to make myself into the person I want to be, although i've never exceeded, but that's no reason to stop trying.
Oh and i'm doing a 2 week drinking detox, I started Sunday and havent drank since, tonight will be the first challenge though. It will make me feel better in the end though, I havent been two weeks without drinking for over 3 years, officially I am probably an alcoholic, although i'm not addicted to alcohol itself, i'm addicted to going out, and I cant go out without drinking, so technically I am.
My mum is going away to Slough tonight, so I am stuck at home with my brothers and stepdad, I know it sounds horrible, but I hate being at home when my mum isnt here.
Jodie just text me, she is out of the interview, she is going to get the train to my house and tell me about the interview. So i'll have some company soon! :) Jodie is going to see if her boyfriend Liam will stay round mine with her tonight, that will be good for me, they get on with Richard (my stepdad) more than I do.
OK now its ten to eight and my drinking ban has not gone well, I am at home with Jodie and Liam drinking a glass of Jaques cider, having found out that my two best friends Kerri and Robert are going to a club tonight without me, I have to say that I am pissed off to say the least. I spend my whole week wanting to spend time with Robert but cant because he is with Adam, and then the one night he isnt with Adam he doesn't even bother seeing what I am up to!! So fuck him.
I can have a good night with Jodie and Liam and I am bloody going to!
To be honest I am being unfair, Robert knows I have no money and that I have work tomorrow so he knows I actually couldnt go out even if I wanted to, but it would still be nice to be asked.
We're watching Coronation street as I write this, then Eastenders, then we will have some more drinks and i'll let you know what happens!!
We spend the night really very drunk, Jodie and Liam argued constantly and I felt like a marriage counsellor. Robert called me at midnight, he had left Kerri in the club and gone to Adams, leaving Kerri to stay at his house on her own. She updated her facebook status at around 2am saying she was lonely and scared sleeping on her own.
She is my best friend, I dont ask a lot from her, in fact I rarely see her now she has her own boyfriend, it went pretty quickly from seeing her every day, well she was living with us, to now, I see her once every two or three weeks. We fell out a few months ago, and I now know the only reason she made up with me is cause her sister, who is Jodie, reminded her she would have no one if she split up with James.
So anyway a few nights ago I asked her to stay at Robert with me, but she didnt, she left at 10pm because James wanted to. For about six or seven months I havent tried to ask her to be with me instead of James, one because it wont work and two because she would rather be with him. But I needed her, for one night and that was two much for her. So I am glad she was lonely and scared, because she didnt care when it was me. Had she rang me up and asked me if she could come to mine, I would have let her. Of course I would rather her be ok than not be ok, i'd do anything to make her not lonely and upset if I could, but the other part of me thinks, 'this serves you right.'
At 4am, Jodie's knackered and me and Liam are still going strong, Jodie announces she wants to go to bed, and Liam says he will go with her when she does. I dont want Jodie to go to bed, but there is nothing I can do to stop her, so instead I stop Liam. All I have to say is one thing, then they will argue, she will storm to bed and he will stay downstairs with me, it not the fact I want him, I just dont want to be on my own. So I say it, and sure enough they argue, she leaves, he doesnt follow.
I wish I didnt though, I spend the next hour trying to talk sense into him and about his and Jodie's relationship, It sounds mean, but they do my head in, they clearly love each other, but she winds him up and says horrible things to him, and he cant let things go. They are both as bad as each other. It turns out Jodie was in the kitchen listening to the whole conversation, so I make a quick exit to bed and leave them to it.
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