Thursday 13th January 2011
Dolly Partons voice comes to me, shaking me out of sleep, I look at my phone, its Robert.
I'm not quite awake enough to answer it, I know why he is ringing, and I know he'll ring back straight away, so just look at the phone until it stops. Sure enough a few moments later he rings again.
“Hello?” I mumble, extremely tiredly, feeling confused and knowing I sound it, its a morning thing for me.
“I'm now walking past the Hob,” he says referring to the pub around 3 minutes walk away from his house where I am staying, “so i'll be about five minutes.”
“What?” I ask, its the confusion, I need things reiterating.
“You'll have to let me in, in five minutes,” he says patiently.
Only in my mind would the first thought be 'its three minutes from here to the hob, why is he saying five, but I suppose its morning so he wont be walking at his usual pace, might take him four and a half, but I wouldnt say five, unless I take 30 seconds to let him in.”
“Ok,” I say after a small pause, “see you in a minute.”
Robert had been staying at him boyfriend Adams, something that I am sure you will learn is on the verge of triggering me into depression, or a rebellious not giving a flying shit about anything or anyone phase, that some people may call mania, as I am being diagnosed with bipolar, but I just like to call it, protecting myself.
He has work at nine and for some reason always comes home in the morning to get ready.
Anyway I hang up and look at the ceiling, he lives in a flat on the top floor of a three story building, he'll press the buzzer and i'll buzz the front door open with the button on the phone directly outside his bedroom door. 'shit!' I think, then I have to go downstairs to let him in the door to his actual flat. I cant be bothered to see him right now so jump up and run downstairs, feeling a little light headed at the sudden moving within 40 seconds of waking up. I unlock the front door and run back to bed.
The next think I know, its 13.32, I grab my phone and check facebook straight away, its sad, but its habit, and I feel lost if I dont know what everyones doing, I have around 6 really close friends who wont have written much since I last checked it, but its always good to see what Robbie who I met while clubbing on New years eve 2009 is up to!!! Even if I havent spoken to him since!!
I find out that Roberts having a bad day at work, that the weather is a bit warmer in the north of my country, so much so that my Nan is wearing one less layer than normal, (yes my nan has facebook! She signed up mainly to promote her business, but now is an addict like the rest of us!). That Kayleigh a girl who is friends with a girl that I am friends with has a new kettle and needs to buy her daughter a new PE kit. They are just a few examples of the important things I have learned today!!
I lay down for a minute and notice I have a missed call from a friend on my college course Megan. Wondering where I was at 10am no doubt, I refuse to go into college for 'compulsory study time,' I'm 20 years old, I can organise my own study without being locked in a room for 6 hours for no reason other than that, because our old teacher was bad, they have had to make sacrifices for us to have a new teacher, that being he can only teach 4-7, so they cant let the 16 year olds on my course loose all day, so they make it compulsory for us to be in the classroom. Well I'm not having that!!
I get out of bed and go into the living room, its 17.5 degrees so I flick the heating on and check if my trousers are dry, they are so I put them on, I go to the toilet, have a drink and go downstairs and outside for a cigarette.
This is the first time I think, think about how awful the night before was being on my own, how I sat in the middle of the living room floor with the TV on pause and cried, had an anxiety attack, talked to myself and truly believed I was mad. Told myself in the mirror how much I hated myself a million times, then went on to have a fairly normal evening of watching tele.
The one question I ask myself all day long, and I hope my highlighting helps you understand the tone.
“How am I MEANT to be ok with this?”
My best friend goes from spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with me to spending it with someone else, in the space of a week and I cant just take that in my stride and deal with it. I know I have to, but I cant.
I head back upstairs and force down a muller rice, last week I was put on Seroquel at a dose I couldnt handle, it stopped me eating, and i'm still not hungry, but i'm trying to lose weight and know that starving yourself is the worst thing, so I am making myself eat!
I'm off the seroquel now, against my pdocs advice, but oh well.
I put the radio on and tidy the flat, Roberts a clean freak, we lived together for two and a half years and I didn't exactly pull my weight in the cleaning department, so now i'm trying to make up for that by keeping his flat clean when he lets me stay. Its my own mess really so I should, but I can be selfish sometimes and applaud myself on the fact I cleaned up.
I bring my suitcase into the living room and get out my hair straighteners and my make-up kit (i'm at college training to be a make up artist) put my hair back, straighten my fringe and do my make up. An 80's inspired bright green, defined crease if you were wondering!! with a lot of eyeliner. Usually before college I dont do my make-up because usually its 7.30am and knowing i'll be doing make up all day, i'm not in the mood.
I sit on the laptop for a while, then gaze out of the window, then I pack my stuff up and head out of the door towards college.
I bump into one of my best friends James outside of his work place, he was on his lunch, I take my ear phone out and have a quick chat,
“what are you doing?” he asked, looking genuinely please to see me for a change.
“Off to college!” I say.
“Bit late?” he says.
“No I have college 4-7 on a Thursday.”
“Oh, right I gotta go in, my mums in there! Everyone turns up on my lunch today!”
I laugh and wave good bye and continue my walk.
At college I sit with my friend Lucy, we're doing special effects, razor cuts on the wrist.
If thats not a trigger for a person with a tendency to self harm who is on the verge of depression I dont know what is. But somehow the thought doesnt overcome me. Lucy expertly makes my wrists look horrific and I do the same to her. Noticing the real scars on her wrist. We're not that close that I can bring them up.
The lesson ends and I leave. Feeling a little happier, I think.
Robert rings me, he is at the supermarket that I will pass on the way back to his, I meet him.
“Just bought some vodka and orange,” he says walking a few paces ahead, my feet are hurting, usually he would walk at my pace, I dont know why he isnt, in my stomach I get butterflies, he is desperate to get home, so he can get ready and go to Adams, I dont know this, but I soon find out that I am right.
We get into his, I get a drink and he says, “i've planned to go to Adams at 8,” my stomach sinks, “you can get the 8.36 train though if you want.”
“No, its fine,” I say emotionlessly, “i'll get the 7.36,” I stand up, get all my stuff together and stand in the doorway of the living room, “i'll see you later then,” I immediately turn round and head for the stairs.
He follows me, “you have 20 minutes yet!”
I'm stressed, I dont want him to see me upset, so I force a smile and say, “i am going to have a cigarette outside the train station.” I turn away but he is still following me.
He makes a noise, like a baby noise, I reluctantly turn back to him, he is opening his arms for a hug, very unusual for him, I know its cause he knows i'm upset. He is very self-centred, so he knows its cause I wont see him for a while. I briefly hug him before going downstairs and leaving the house. I would usually call goodbye to him before leaving, but I cant. I get to the train station and am buying my ticket before I cry.
Its only a few tears, then I stop. Realising i'm not distraught, i'm tired and pissed off!
I have no right to be though and that makes it worse.
I sit on the train staring out of the window, wishing the journey would last forever and that I would never have to face up to life again.
But the train does stop, and I walk the short walk home, I let myself in and no one is home, I put some chips in the over and have a cigarette. My stepdad gets home.
I'm irritated, so obviously everything he does irritates me, so I go upstairs and wait til my mum gets home to come back down.
I sit down at the table with my food with my three brothers, Joseph 9, James 7 and Ben 5. Joseph and James pay no attention to me and eat their tea, Ben chats some crazy stuff and makes me laugh, then eats his toast and helps himself to my chips!
Then they go to bed.
I hug Joseph (who has high functioning autism, and adores me!) and tell him how much I love him! I rub James the boyish boy on the head and sit on my laptop.
About an hour later I go to my room.
I go on facebook and talk to a boy, he is 21 and I find him unattractive, but i'm feeling desperate, he then asks me if I have any single mates, and I laugh my head off. He finds me just as unattractive, i'm not really phased by it and just stop talking to him.
I go downstairs and sit on the laptop. I find myself at 3am, and i'm not tired, I dont feel depressed and I dont feel lonely. I feel like taking out a payday loan and leaving the country! And a little sick.
I feel like my moods on a wheel, and the wheels still spinning and I dont know where its going to land. Maybe tomorrow will tell.
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