Jumbled Thoughts

I'm in a thoughtful mood. I havent quite made sense of these thoughts yet, they're all still a little jumbled in my head, but i'm going to get them down anyway.

The interesting points of my week.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with a psychologist as well as my care worker, my first meeting with an actual psychologist, I went in, feeling quite good, I think I was hypo-manic at the time to be honest, full of confidence and bubbly, I left feeling drained. We spoke about things that were locked inside of me, things I dont talk about, not that they are secrets as such, and its not that I am scared to talk about them, they just dont come up in my life, and i'm not comfortable with discussing things, 14 months ago, I couldn't even tell my doctor I was depressed without making it seem smaller than it was just so I could escape her office as quickly as possible.

Anyway, back to the point, the meeting was draining, yet I felt I was finally getting somewhere.

On Wednesday I spent the day at college, when I got home, I couldn't keep my eyes open and was in bed by 8.30pm. Not to wake up until 1pm on Thursday, I know right, a bit excessive.

I went to college on Thursday and was immediately in the mood to go out, I had asked Robert if I could stay at his, and he said that was fine, but he might be staying at Adams, I had an appointment with my care worker on Friday morning in the town Roberts lives so I agreed that I was ok to stay at his on my own.

I text him and said I was really in the mood to get drunk with him, and he text back that he was too and did I want to go to the pub.

I assumed, he had decided not to go to Adams in favour of spending a night with me and him.

Oh how wrong I was. Turns out Adams friends are more important to him than Robert, Adam was round his friends house who was going through a difficult time. Adam is more important to Robert than I am, knowing Adam wouldnt ask him to come over when he got back from his friends at 11pm, Robert knew that going to the pub would secure the fact he could stay at Adams. But he wasnt going to go on his own, so he used the fact I was in the mood to go out and suggested me and him go.

I thought It was weird, that even though the pub was dead, Robert refused to move on somewhere else. But it clicked when Adam turned up. Robert knew Adam would stop in on the way past, so he manipulated me and the situation to be there, knowing, Adam would then ask him to stay.

I feel a little sorry for Robert, i've never seen him in a relationship where he has absolutely no control, if Adam wants to see him friends he has no qualms in putting Robert on hold, where as Robert will basically, mug even his best friends off in favour of Adam. I wish I was Adams friend right now to be honest!

The fact of the matter is, that although I feel completely and utterly used by Robert, I wont say anything, cause I need him to much to purposely start an argument with him. He doesnt know what he's done wrong, cause all he can see at the moment is his own world, and we have all been there!!

I wish I had the strength to focus on things that are good for me, I want to do my college work to the best of my ability, get a job and actually go, without calling in sick or going in hungover, or hating it, I dont want to spend all my money on getting wasted cause thats what my friends do. I dont want to wait around to be needed by my friends. I need them so much, but they're only their when they need me, and I am always there, and I always will be, but I need to do things that are good for me!!

So today, Jodie, needed a bank account, so I took her to get one, Robert needed some treatments for his skin, I helped him pick them, Kerri needed some toiletries, she had given Jodie the money, but Jodie didnt know which ones to get, so I picked them out, cause I just know! I revolve around them.

So yeah they are my thoughts, I have a job interview tomorrow in a shop next door to the bank I used to work in, and I tell you its going to take a lot of energy but hopefully I will do well! I am looking forward to it anyway. I will let you all know how it goes.