Email to CPN day before overdose 12/02/2012

A lot has been going on, i'm not feeling mentally well, i'm not acting it and i'm not coping with anything, i feel lost, i have no idea who i am and i cant get my brain to work with me, i'm not connected to it or in any sort of control of what i'm doing or how i am feeling. 


I'll start with work, 2 Wednesdays ago, i couldnt believe how much i was loving it, they cant praise me enough, i'm doing really well and am competent at everything. 
I started feeling ill sunday night and on monday went to work, and stayed all day, just felt a bit of a cold coming on. By the end of the day, my till was £2000 up, which is not good, it means the managers have to count the whole branch. I went so quiet, i totally lost the ability to speak, they obviously noticed i was really upset and was telling me not to worry etc. I went home and was a mess, i then started to feel really poorly, my head was killing me and i couldnt sleep at all.
On Tuesday, i called in sick, i woke at 5am and was so worried about calling in sick, knowing they would think it was because of the cash error. 
Wednesday was my day off, so that was ok, then Thursday, i knew i had to go in, even though i was very unwell, i needed them to see i wasnt lying, It was a struggle walking to the bus stop. Before i left i was so stressed out, i boiled the kettle filled a cup up with the boiling water and tipped it over my hand and arm, i didnt think about it before hand, it wasnt a calculated thought out action, i just did it out of instinct. 
Then i took 7 nurofen and 2 co-codamol. 
I got to work and obviously didnt look well, and had also started to lose my voice, by half 9 they told me to go to the walk in centre, this girl at work walked me to get a taxi, i looked so bad, so they definitely knew i was definitely ill. 
Turned out i had a sinus infection anyway. 


Then there is my new housemate Miles. 
I dont know how to describe the relationship we have, and i dont know if i'll be able to put it into words. But its driving me mad, to the point where i feel sick. 
He psycho analyses people in exactly the same way i do, so 2 days after meeting each other (which was a month ago) we were having 6 hour long conversations most days of the week, just talking about people and lifestyles and personalities.
He understand exactly who i am, i couldnt stop it before it started, its got to the point where its TOO intense and means way to much to me. He is pointed out that i have clear 'delusions of grandeur." that he can see 2 opposing personality traits battling with each other in me in every conversation we have, that i go from 'sweet and innocent,' to 'complete badass,' all the time, that i have and 'intense duality,' and that having conversations with me can be tiring and take a lot of processing. He said all this before he knew i had any Mental Health issues. 
he knows i do now, he has friends with Bipolar and Schizophrenia and knows more about the different MH disorder than i do. 
I'm addicted to him and obsessed with him. 
He has noticed that i need him to vaildate things after every conversation. 
He is extremely different to me, in his life and education, he has 3 degrees and moves around a lot, but he says that looking at my personality, not necessarily morals and things is like looking into a mirror. 
There is things we have talked about that he has never told anyone else, because he understands it isnt the 'norm,' and that people dont get him and would just think him crazy for some things he thinks and does. 
He isnt needy and certainly doesnt feel the same way about me as i do about him. 
although he does things i tell him to. 
a guy who we live with was going to be late for work, Miles said he didnt want to take him, i told him he should, so he did. 
i leant my heater to a guy we live with and when it got really cold, i wanted it back but wouldnt be home at the same time as him, so Miles got it for me. Then it broke and he tried to fix it, before turning the heater on for me all night. 
We play weird mind games with each other, where we'll have whole conversations lying to each other or pretending to be other people and then analyse it afterwards. 
There's certain manipulative and sneaky and dishonest things we do, and we tell each other how sometimes we want to be recognised for how brilliant our minds are for being able to think of it, do it and get away with it. Although we differ at the point where i feel remorseful and hate myself and he just want to tell everyone how great he is but cant. 
We went to the supermarket and bought a blender together, we share each others stuff and he drives me places i need to go if he can, we also go to the gym together. 
my room is above his and he often find excuses to knock on my door, if i go down to the kitchen he will come down soon after and if he goes to the kitchen i will go down straight away. But if he doesnt come down, i find myself getting angry and distressed about it to the point i feel physically sick. 
Today i am upset which i will tell you about after, and he just does not seem interested in talking to me at all, i know he like the strong Misha, the one who challenges him and confuses him and talks for hours. But i just wish he could sit quietly with me. 


Jodie, Liam and Kerri came over yesterday and stayed for the night, i couldn't control how happy i was, the first 2 hours was "the Misha show," i was making them laugh but i was being too loud, and too much, i physically couldn't calm my excitement down and we were only sat in my room or in a coffee shop. We then went out for a meal, and i literally could not stop myself from talking. then we went back to mine and had drinks in my kitchen with Miles, at one point it was just me an Miles outside smoking and i said "see? normal conversations," he said "sorry am i being weird, i cant help it," i said "no, not all, i'm just saying its possible for us to act normal together, you're being fine," he said "are you sure?" 
For the first time, he seemed like he needed my reassurance that he was doing the right thing. 
I got this suspicion he may have liked Jodie and i was so ANGRY, i wanted to slap him, i dont want him to be my boyfriend but i do not want him to like my friends more than he likes me! 
I spent today with jodie< kerri and Liam and when it was time for them to go, i went silent and found it impossible to speak. I delayed it as much as possible but they eventually had to go. At the door i hugged them all, and then said in a really bitchy voice, "have fun, being together," Kerri come back and hugged me and told me i was being a complete bitch but she understood why, i told her i loved her and she shouted that she loved me too and then walked off. 


I cant stop thinking about killing myself. i cant cope with life, i cant have a normal life. 


i'm drinking a lot more than usual and feel self destructive. 


By the way, Miles isn't some emo kid, he is a 29 year quantity surveyor, he doesnt have a girl friend but i can tell he goes for strong women who are thin and gorgeous and funny and probably not as clever as him, i think he is quite narcissistic but i cant see neediness in him. he is obsessed with becoming rich. 


I'm alone, i'm failing to see the point in anything. 


Robert keeps ringing me for one ore 2 hours at a time, but whenever i suggest seeing him he comes up with an excuse. I can connect to my feeling about that or much else for that matter. 


Oh and i just persuaded Kerri to split up with her new boyfriend, which she this second has done, and told her she needs to move to peterbrough and look after me because i'm not well. 

The effect of me... Poem

It's a scary place,
Inside my head,
The only place I'm safe,
Is in my bed,

I inflict,
Contradict,
And manipulate conflict,

I complicate,
Twist,
Hurt life,
Change,
My mood will inflate and deflate.
The effect?
I'm a disease.

Need constant attention,
Affection,
Push for reaction,
Cry for interaction,

For others,
I'm a drain,
A wreck,
Cause of pain,
Meaningless subject,
A pointless addition to their own problems.

There used to be another misha,
Inside of me,
High and manic,
Less pathetic,
Less empathetic,
Even MORE self absorbed,
Yet still SO insecure,
She won't be back,
But still, I'm here. Waiting by the door.

borderline entries pre diagnosis 2

I've got some quotes from my diaries 2003-2010.... I've picked out anything that sounds like it was because of the BPD, bearing in mind the entries are from the ages of 13 through to 20. I'll post one or two at a time. 

September 2004 (14 years old)

I am happy! I don't think I could cut myself right now which I suppose is good. I still don't really understand myself, but I am happy so I am not worried. I found a new addiction. I think I have an emptiness in my life I have the need to fill, self harming, drinking, shop lifting, lying, bitching, smoking, attention seeking are all short term addictions which I have used to fill my gap. 

2008 (18)

Now robert hates me, one down, nice one misha, I suppose you will move onto Kerri next, bit trickier as she loves you. So why hurt her?

I think feeling hated by people is an adrenaline rush for me,

I'm paranoid today, I convinced my self I was bleeding from the inside out, I thought I could feel it, which I couldn't, it was my complete imagination.

Its taken a few weeks, but I feel like I have gradually had a giant web entangling itself around me and now I am trapped, all I can do is feel the pain, everything else is numb,

Kerri

Someone i'd find it hard to live without, she cares and she can show it, but in a practical way of things she is useless, I absolutely love her thought and no one else comes close, except Robert.

She's the only one of my friends who literally just likes me no matter what. She just sees me, its probably because my good side comes out more around Kerri. We have an unspoken understanding of our friendship, I'm sure neithers of us knows what that is, but its forever. I LOVE HER.

Robert

If you have an actual problem he's great. He just cant deal with the emotional side of things, Sometimes I just wish he'd show if he cared just a little, either he is unemotional and cant tell when I am upset or he doesn't know what to do, or he simply couldn't care less.

He is probably the friend I enjoy spending the most time with. Which is lucky as I live with him. He's fun and funny and clever!

He doesn't realise, but sometimes its just not the same without him, I love him to bits but cant see us being friends in ten years. He will have traded me in for someone younger and funnier, so he can moan about them instead.

Sexuality

I never want to fall in love, I never want someone to love me, because its hard for my friends to be around me, sometimes I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Having sex with someone for me, is very detached from love. Its just another tool to get some adrenaline and control people. I cannot STAND to be near people I have had sex with, for at least 24 hours. Makes me feel sick.

If anyone has the right to hate me for the person I am, its me, I feel the need to protect people from myself.

I want people to protect me from myself.

I need a cuddle.

I am bloody unhappy, these are some things I need to change.

I need to stop being so dependant on other people. I'm paranoid, I know that, but if I didn't care what other people thought it wouldn't matter if I was paranoid or not.

FUCK ROBERT. Just stop being so bothered about he is doing, he'll never change, he is a nice bloke and that but a shit friend and a complete twat. 

Work and home

I started my new job in November... Its a job that i did for 3 years in a different company, its high pressured, sales related and heavily regulated. You have to be strong, adapt to change quickly, be able to deal with customers all day every day, hit sales targets, while remaining compliant and on top of paperwork.

Its the only thing i've ever excelled at, but when i fail, i fail badly.

I believe my core personality suits this job perfectly, even if i'm not mentally well i can do this job, The only times i cant do this job is when i'm struggling with social anxiety or when i'm completely depressed.

But it goes up and down a lot.

I'm either the best employee you could even imagine or i am the worst.

When i did this for the 3 years before, i would spend 1 quarter (of the year) on the top of the league tables, out of 72 people in the region i was 4th. Then the next quarter i would refuse to see customers, spend my whole time calling in sick, drinking too much on work nights etc. It was the manager at this job who suggested i had Bipolar. Sometimes they wouldnt get me to shut up, i'd be so enthusiastic and excited at work, then sometimes i'd go on my lunch at 11.30am, and sleep in the staff room until the end of the day.

I got away with this because they knew i was suffering with depression, that i loved my job and most of all that when i was doing well, the branch needed me there.

The thing is, at this new job, i dont have the way out, i cant just take it easy at any point. I dont want them to know i have BPD or any health problems at all, because i want to feel strong, i want to feel normal while i am there. i dont want people making allowances for me, or thinking bad of me.

If you've read my earlier post, you will know i walked out of work and attempted suicide, i took the rest of the week off and made up a story about being allergic to anti-biotics, luckily they believed me.

Because i wanted this job so badly, i moved to the city where i work, the travel from my parents was 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night, it was too much for me. So i now live in a city away from all of my friends and family.

Then i got a promotion a month ago and as of Monday i will be starting in a new branch. with new people and again will have to travel to work.

The new town i'll be working in is the same distance away from my hometown but its  small town and its harder to get to via public transport, so i think i am going to stay living here in this city.

I feel so alone here though, i'll talk in more detail soon about Miles, the guy i lived with who moved out, since he went i feel like i have no reason to be in this place. But it also feels like i have no reason to be anywhere.

Borderline diary entries pre diagnosis

I've got some quotes from my diaries 2003-2010.... I've picked out anything that sounds like it was because of the BPD, bearing in mind the entries are from the ages of 13 through to 20. I'll post one or two at a time. 

2003/2004 )13/14)

I am a bitch, I don't care about anyone except myself. It doesn't matter to me if anyone else is upset.

I don't think I have a heart.

Even if I love someone its not about them, its me.

My mum hurt her knee and I didn't ask her if she was OK. It doesn't effect me. 

June 2004 (14)

I NEED love I cant have.

When I self harmed on my legs it wasn't for attention, when I did it on my arms it was for attention. That doesn't make it any less serious though.

I don't want it, I HATE IT , I don't WANT IT, I DO NOT WANT IT ANYMORE. I HATE EVERYONE.

People seem to think love is important, It isnt. 

Love can hurt more than money can. You can lose more through love, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I don't want feeling but I have them and there is nothing I can do about that.

I love my dad and that hurts.

I loved BOY and that hurts.

I love my family and they love me, but I cant accept their love because......

I am a selfish, hating, stressed out bitch, who cares about no one but her self, I also cant believe in love because I don't think I can feel it.

I am really messed up so this is difficult. I feel evil and psychotic, but I think that isnt real, I'm not evil, I just pretend to be, not consciously though, I think I can shut my feelings away and then they wont hurt, I feel like I am holding on to something and I cant let it go.

I don't know what it is though, I have mental blanks where my feelings are concerned, I don't know what is actually the matter with me. 

Story of my last overdose..... TRIGGERING

Misha entered work and sat at her desk, she felt nothing, but the noise and light she could hear and see were immense. She needed it to stop, she couldn't cope. There was chatter going on and she couldn't distinguish whether it was inside of her head or happening round the office.

“Misha, could you try and book 6 appointments before lunch,” her manager said handing her a bunch of his clients to call, she nodded confusedly, how was she meant phone anyone with all the noise going on.

Up until her lunch, Misha stared at the screen, all she could think was that she needed this to stop and she could only think of one way which would ensure that it did. Death.

She stood up, picked up her bag and left the office.

She lit up a cigarette leant against an outside wall, contemplating her options. Various people said hello to her, she didn't even notice them. She took a mirror out of her back and looked into it. She didn't recognise her eyes.

Snapping the mirror shut, she began walking purposely into chemist. Picking up razors and a bottle of water, she put them through the self service till and shoved them In her bag. Then she went to the pharmacy counter and bought 2 packets of migraine tablets. Leaving the chemist she walked quickly to the nearest supermarket, where she bought a bottle of coke, and a bottle of vodka.

The bus ride back to her house was spent staring blankly out of the window, she felt nothing at all, not one reason not to do this came into her head. So she let herself into her room and locked the door behind her.

She had a quick conversation with herself.

“I'll attempt suicide, have a break.”

“No there is no point in ATTEMPTING, nothing will change, you have to do it.”

“But I don't know if I can.”

“you have to, there is no other way.”

“you're right.”

“We're right.”

“I know, sorry.”

She sat on her bed and opened the vodka, tipping it into the bottle of coke she drank as much as she could in one go. She then opened the tablets and took ten of them in one go.

Then she opened the razors.

She'd cut herself lots of times before, but never to kill herself, never her actual wrists.

She needed more vodka. So she drank more and took more tablets.

Within an hour she had taken thirty. She took out her phone and sent a text message to her Community Psychiatric Nurse. Basically telling her exactly what she was doing. She knew that by sending that text, she wasn't fully committing herself to death. She wanted to die, but maybe what she wanted more, was someone to stop her.

A few moments later, she took the razor and she cut through her wrist, twice, it started bleeding, and suddenly everything came back into focus, she gasped, she hadn't researched it at all, she may not have long. She took her phone and dialled 999.

3 hours later

After being forced to drink coal and being patronised by numerous medical professionals, Misha was feeling annoyed and bitter and panicky.

A nurse was going to take a blood sample and Misha really didn't want her to do that.
2 nurses came into the room and were fussing around her bed, She was feeling sleepy and drowsy and began to cry, They started to hug her, tying a band round her arm to get her veins to show more, she struggled out of it and began feeling claustrophobic, she became hysterical and told them to leave her and she would do it later, she needed to calm down, after a few minutes they agreed to leave her to calm down. As soon as they were out of the room she picked up her bag and her phone and her top and ran into the toilets, she changed back into her own jumper, struggling to breathe and unable to stop crying she realised she was having some sort of panic or anxiety attack. She had to get home. Her skin was crawling and itching, she was no longer suicidal, but there wasn't any rational thought left in her head, she just needed to be away from any people whatsoever. She felt terrified and alone.

She left the toilet and walked around the hospital avoiding eye contact with anyone, before she found her way outside. The cold air hit her and she began to cry uncontrollably. She had no idea where she was in relation to her house.

She got her phone out and looked through her phone book, she dialled her best friend Robert's number, he answered but she hung up.

A bus pulled up and she got on it, luckily it went sort of near to her house. Getting off the bus she practically ran home.

She text Robert explaining what had happened, he replied that he would be with her in an hour.

Letting herself into the kitchen, she notice Miles was sat at the table drinking tea. He was her housemate and friend but they had only known each other a month, although he already knew she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder.

She went straight into the conservatory and lit a cigarette, he came through and took one out of her packet. “Why have you been crying?” he asked.

“Its a really long story,” she replied.

“Well we have all night, do you still have a job?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “hopefully.”

She explained she'd walked out of work and almost been sectioned.

He look at her, she realised he didn't seem shocked or scared, not the usual reaction when she was behaving like this.

There was a knock at the door.

“Is this for you,” he asked.

She shrugged, looking terrified.

“Dont worry,” he said.

A moment later 2 police officers walked into the kitchen, followed by Dan, another one of Misha's housemates, they kindly asked him to leave and he did.

“Misha,” the policeman said nicely, “we need to take you back to hospital, your wrists haven't been dressed properly and you've taken an overdose, you could be very ill.”
“I'm not going back until my friend gets here,” she said standing behind the kitchen table defensively.

“When is that?” he asked.

“In an hour and half, he is coming from Norfolk.”
“Ok, well, we're not sure if we can leave you here, you may be at risk of harming yourself again and the drugs you've taken may be affecting you already.”

“I feel fine!” she said, “i'm totally fine, I'm not going until he gets here,” with that she sat down.

One police officer left the room to speak to Miles.

Misha could still hear him.

“Basically, she's cut her wrists open and the wound hasnt been dressed, she's overdosed, she seems fine but at any moment she could collapse, we need to make sure its not in her bloodstream, if we cant get her to agree to come with us, we'll have to take her.”

Miles walked into the kitchen, “Misha, I'm going to take you.”

“No, I don't want to go.”

“Misha, come on, we can wait for Robert there, it'll be fine, i'll stay with you.”

“Misha,” the police man said, “we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

Misha got up, got her coat and followed Miles out of the house and into his car, “i am so sorry,” she said sincerely.

He drove her to hospital and they waited for Robert to get there, he bought her coke and chocolate. When Robert arrived, they all sat together awkwardly until it was time to go home, they sat in the kitchen drinking tea and then went to bed.

Alone

Alone

Imagine for a second,

We're Balloons.

Well I am at least,

Depending on the world around me,

I'm empty and deflated,

Or bright, floating and full,

Some balloons are tied to someone else's wrist,

That's how I'm happy,

to follow along behind someone else,

their existence,

giving me a reason to live,

But like a careless child,

with no regard,

someone always lets me go,

away I float,

flying higher and higher,

but even more alone,

there is no place I belong,

without a string physically attaching me to another person,

there's no point in me at all,

no one can see me,

and if they can,

they cant reach me,

I'm without, cause, affect or reason,

and no one even knows,

Other can be strong rooted,

attached to places,

activities,

or groups of people,

I place my life, my safety and my happiness into other peoples souls,

its never long, before they HAVE to let me go..

Or I'd become stronger and i'd pull them away with me,

but I don't have the strength to carry someone else for long,

and we'd both end up, gone.  

Acting my own life

Whichever situation i am in, i feel as if i am 'behind-the-scenes,' rather than actually living in that moment. 


When i went out for drinks with 2 of my managers the other day, i was sat drinking my wine and having a conversation with them, but i felt as thought i was just pretending to do that, rather than actually doing it. Its a weird feeling, kind of like being one human, within another humans body and acting like them, or your view of what they should be. 
As i am actually me though, I shouldn't really feel like that. 


I always do though. When I'm at work, I'm not immersed within it, I'm always thinking over the wider picture, pretending to do the job that's mine. Always thinking about strategies, words that will affect how people act, like I'm playing a big controlling board game with people, or trying to.


People notice, i don't have a 'baseline personality,' I'm always a different person, happy, funny, moody, ditsy, clever, thoughtful, loud, quiet, boring, sensible, opinionated, agreeable, etc.


There's only a few situations where I'm not acting... When I'm extremely mentally unwell, when I'm alone, when I'm with my closest friends and family. Even then i can act though, but i can also chose not to. 


The rest of the time i don't have a choice. I feel it may be because I'm so anxious about people not liking me, that if I'm never myself, they're never not going to like who i am, because they will never know who i am.