Email to CPN day before overdose 12/02/2012

A lot has been going on, i'm not feeling mentally well, i'm not acting it and i'm not coping with anything, i feel lost, i have no idea who i am and i cant get my brain to work with me, i'm not connected to it or in any sort of control of what i'm doing or how i am feeling. 


I'll start with work, 2 Wednesdays ago, i couldnt believe how much i was loving it, they cant praise me enough, i'm doing really well and am competent at everything. 
I started feeling ill sunday night and on monday went to work, and stayed all day, just felt a bit of a cold coming on. By the end of the day, my till was £2000 up, which is not good, it means the managers have to count the whole branch. I went so quiet, i totally lost the ability to speak, they obviously noticed i was really upset and was telling me not to worry etc. I went home and was a mess, i then started to feel really poorly, my head was killing me and i couldnt sleep at all.
On Tuesday, i called in sick, i woke at 5am and was so worried about calling in sick, knowing they would think it was because of the cash error. 
Wednesday was my day off, so that was ok, then Thursday, i knew i had to go in, even though i was very unwell, i needed them to see i wasnt lying, It was a struggle walking to the bus stop. Before i left i was so stressed out, i boiled the kettle filled a cup up with the boiling water and tipped it over my hand and arm, i didnt think about it before hand, it wasnt a calculated thought out action, i just did it out of instinct. 
Then i took 7 nurofen and 2 co-codamol. 
I got to work and obviously didnt look well, and had also started to lose my voice, by half 9 they told me to go to the walk in centre, this girl at work walked me to get a taxi, i looked so bad, so they definitely knew i was definitely ill. 
Turned out i had a sinus infection anyway. 


Then there is my new housemate Miles. 
I dont know how to describe the relationship we have, and i dont know if i'll be able to put it into words. But its driving me mad, to the point where i feel sick. 
He psycho analyses people in exactly the same way i do, so 2 days after meeting each other (which was a month ago) we were having 6 hour long conversations most days of the week, just talking about people and lifestyles and personalities.
He understand exactly who i am, i couldnt stop it before it started, its got to the point where its TOO intense and means way to much to me. He is pointed out that i have clear 'delusions of grandeur." that he can see 2 opposing personality traits battling with each other in me in every conversation we have, that i go from 'sweet and innocent,' to 'complete badass,' all the time, that i have and 'intense duality,' and that having conversations with me can be tiring and take a lot of processing. He said all this before he knew i had any Mental Health issues. 
he knows i do now, he has friends with Bipolar and Schizophrenia and knows more about the different MH disorder than i do. 
I'm addicted to him and obsessed with him. 
He has noticed that i need him to vaildate things after every conversation. 
He is extremely different to me, in his life and education, he has 3 degrees and moves around a lot, but he says that looking at my personality, not necessarily morals and things is like looking into a mirror. 
There is things we have talked about that he has never told anyone else, because he understands it isnt the 'norm,' and that people dont get him and would just think him crazy for some things he thinks and does. 
He isnt needy and certainly doesnt feel the same way about me as i do about him. 
although he does things i tell him to. 
a guy who we live with was going to be late for work, Miles said he didnt want to take him, i told him he should, so he did. 
i leant my heater to a guy we live with and when it got really cold, i wanted it back but wouldnt be home at the same time as him, so Miles got it for me. Then it broke and he tried to fix it, before turning the heater on for me all night. 
We play weird mind games with each other, where we'll have whole conversations lying to each other or pretending to be other people and then analyse it afterwards. 
There's certain manipulative and sneaky and dishonest things we do, and we tell each other how sometimes we want to be recognised for how brilliant our minds are for being able to think of it, do it and get away with it. Although we differ at the point where i feel remorseful and hate myself and he just want to tell everyone how great he is but cant. 
We went to the supermarket and bought a blender together, we share each others stuff and he drives me places i need to go if he can, we also go to the gym together. 
my room is above his and he often find excuses to knock on my door, if i go down to the kitchen he will come down soon after and if he goes to the kitchen i will go down straight away. But if he doesnt come down, i find myself getting angry and distressed about it to the point i feel physically sick. 
Today i am upset which i will tell you about after, and he just does not seem interested in talking to me at all, i know he like the strong Misha, the one who challenges him and confuses him and talks for hours. But i just wish he could sit quietly with me. 


Jodie, Liam and Kerri came over yesterday and stayed for the night, i couldn't control how happy i was, the first 2 hours was "the Misha show," i was making them laugh but i was being too loud, and too much, i physically couldn't calm my excitement down and we were only sat in my room or in a coffee shop. We then went out for a meal, and i literally could not stop myself from talking. then we went back to mine and had drinks in my kitchen with Miles, at one point it was just me an Miles outside smoking and i said "see? normal conversations," he said "sorry am i being weird, i cant help it," i said "no, not all, i'm just saying its possible for us to act normal together, you're being fine," he said "are you sure?" 
For the first time, he seemed like he needed my reassurance that he was doing the right thing. 
I got this suspicion he may have liked Jodie and i was so ANGRY, i wanted to slap him, i dont want him to be my boyfriend but i do not want him to like my friends more than he likes me! 
I spent today with jodie< kerri and Liam and when it was time for them to go, i went silent and found it impossible to speak. I delayed it as much as possible but they eventually had to go. At the door i hugged them all, and then said in a really bitchy voice, "have fun, being together," Kerri come back and hugged me and told me i was being a complete bitch but she understood why, i told her i loved her and she shouted that she loved me too and then walked off. 


I cant stop thinking about killing myself. i cant cope with life, i cant have a normal life. 


i'm drinking a lot more than usual and feel self destructive. 


By the way, Miles isn't some emo kid, he is a 29 year quantity surveyor, he doesnt have a girl friend but i can tell he goes for strong women who are thin and gorgeous and funny and probably not as clever as him, i think he is quite narcissistic but i cant see neediness in him. he is obsessed with becoming rich. 


I'm alone, i'm failing to see the point in anything. 


Robert keeps ringing me for one ore 2 hours at a time, but whenever i suggest seeing him he comes up with an excuse. I can connect to my feeling about that or much else for that matter. 


Oh and i just persuaded Kerri to split up with her new boyfriend, which she this second has done, and told her she needs to move to peterbrough and look after me because i'm not well.