Whichever situation i am in, i feel as if i am 'behind-the-scenes,' rather than actually living in that moment.
When i went out for drinks with 2 of my managers the other day, i was sat drinking my wine and having a conversation with them, but i felt as thought i was just pretending to do that, rather than actually doing it. Its a weird feeling, kind of like being one human, within another humans body and acting like them, or your view of what they should be.
As i am actually me though, I shouldn't really feel like that.
I always do though. When I'm at work, I'm not immersed within it, I'm always thinking over the wider picture, pretending to do the job that's mine. Always thinking about strategies, words that will affect how people act, like I'm playing a big controlling board game with people, or trying to.
People notice, i don't have a 'baseline personality,' I'm always a different person, happy, funny, moody, ditsy, clever, thoughtful, loud, quiet, boring, sensible, opinionated, agreeable, etc.
There's only a few situations where I'm not acting... When I'm extremely mentally unwell, when I'm alone, when I'm with my closest friends and family. Even then i can act though, but i can also chose not to.
The rest of the time i don't have a choice. I feel it may be because I'm so anxious about people not liking me, that if I'm never myself, they're never not going to like who i am, because they will never know who i am.
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