borderline entries pre diagnosis 2

I've got some quotes from my diaries 2003-2010.... I've picked out anything that sounds like it was because of the BPD, bearing in mind the entries are from the ages of 13 through to 20. I'll post one or two at a time. 

September 2004 (14 years old)

I am happy! I don't think I could cut myself right now which I suppose is good. I still don't really understand myself, but I am happy so I am not worried. I found a new addiction. I think I have an emptiness in my life I have the need to fill, self harming, drinking, shop lifting, lying, bitching, smoking, attention seeking are all short term addictions which I have used to fill my gap. 

2008 (18)

Now robert hates me, one down, nice one misha, I suppose you will move onto Kerri next, bit trickier as she loves you. So why hurt her?

I think feeling hated by people is an adrenaline rush for me,

I'm paranoid today, I convinced my self I was bleeding from the inside out, I thought I could feel it, which I couldn't, it was my complete imagination.

Its taken a few weeks, but I feel like I have gradually had a giant web entangling itself around me and now I am trapped, all I can do is feel the pain, everything else is numb,

Kerri

Someone i'd find it hard to live without, she cares and she can show it, but in a practical way of things she is useless, I absolutely love her thought and no one else comes close, except Robert.

She's the only one of my friends who literally just likes me no matter what. She just sees me, its probably because my good side comes out more around Kerri. We have an unspoken understanding of our friendship, I'm sure neithers of us knows what that is, but its forever. I LOVE HER.

Robert

If you have an actual problem he's great. He just cant deal with the emotional side of things, Sometimes I just wish he'd show if he cared just a little, either he is unemotional and cant tell when I am upset or he doesn't know what to do, or he simply couldn't care less.

He is probably the friend I enjoy spending the most time with. Which is lucky as I live with him. He's fun and funny and clever!

He doesn't realise, but sometimes its just not the same without him, I love him to bits but cant see us being friends in ten years. He will have traded me in for someone younger and funnier, so he can moan about them instead.

Sexuality

I never want to fall in love, I never want someone to love me, because its hard for my friends to be around me, sometimes I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Having sex with someone for me, is very detached from love. Its just another tool to get some adrenaline and control people. I cannot STAND to be near people I have had sex with, for at least 24 hours. Makes me feel sick.

If anyone has the right to hate me for the person I am, its me, I feel the need to protect people from myself.

I want people to protect me from myself.

I need a cuddle.

I am bloody unhappy, these are some things I need to change.

I need to stop being so dependant on other people. I'm paranoid, I know that, but if I didn't care what other people thought it wouldn't matter if I was paranoid or not.

FUCK ROBERT. Just stop being so bothered about he is doing, he'll never change, he is a nice bloke and that but a shit friend and a complete twat.