Little update

I've started writing a story which is making writing this blog, more difficult, because any time i feel like writing i will write the story.
I just noticed that the word Blog comes up as a spelling error, when you're writing on an actual Blog. I personally find that quite funny.
I've a had a good weekend.
Went out with Robert on Friday, only cause Adam was in Manchester, and he kind of accepted and admitted that had Adam been at home, he wouldn't have spent Friday night with me, so i'm best friends with a bastard, he knows he is a bastard and wont change, but i'll still love him and let him, so there's not much i can really moan about.
Anyway we had a brilliant night.
Then Saturday, this short guy from school came up for Saturday night, he was really bloody shy, so me and Robert bought him round mine, then Jodie and Liam came round, and they bought Kerri. We basically got really drunk and went in the hot tub, then my mum and step dad went to bed, then kerri went to bed, Jodie and Liam had a massive argument, i went and got in bed with kerri and Robert and Ross stayed in my brothers room and i assume Jodie and Liam went to bed not long after.
When i woke up in the morning Kerri, Jodie and Liam had gone, my mum cooked a massive roast and Ross and Robert ate with us, robert helped me wash up and then left around an hour later.
Other than that i've just been at home, being unemployed, looking for work.
Its getting the point where that in itself is depressing me!

Friday, Job interview, Anxiety, Another night out

Waking up to the sound of Dolly Parton, isn't a bad way to wake up, the song Jolene, is one of my favourites and there isnt another song i can think of that i would want to wake up to.
Sound odd? I agree. But in the words of K$sha, We r who we r.
My head is banging, and i know that in little under an hour, i have a telephone interview, with a bank.
I regret the last 5 drinks i had last night, but with so little in the area of self control, there is no chance of me learning from my mistakes.
Robert buzzes the intercom and i buzz him in without answering.
As soon as he walks in the door, i bamboozle him with left over drunkenness.
"Even if your not the funny one, if its down to you that a funny conversation was had, you're still funny arent you, and can take some credit?"
He looks confused and as tired and hungover as i do.
"I may have eaten your garlic bread, you might want to check," i say sheepishly, changing the subject before he has time to ponder the first question.
I get up, wrapped in the duvet and go and plonk myself on the living room floor, he busies about, makes me a cup of much needed coffee and gets himself ready for work.
He doesnt want to go, i dont want him to go either.
Half an hour later he has gone.
The telephone interview goes quite well and she tells me i passed and would find out within the next 4-6 weeks when the face to face interview is. The bank in question is in Derby, a flutter in my stomach tells me, i am excited, but very nervous.
I get dressed, do my make-up, watch Skins, then its nearly time to go to my job centre appointment.
I need to pop in to see Robert at work, he works at the bank i used to work at, i need a bank statement to take in with me.
As i leave and walk up the street i realise, that mentally i'm not feeling good, i keep looking behind me, feeling as though someone is following, i'm jumpy, and feel like i could cry, the world feels different to me, i cant quite explain how, but more still, like there is something missing, and i cant figure out what.
I go into the bank, Robert is with a customer, i pop my head round his pod and he passes me my statement, as i pass the two receptionists that have started since i left, they smile, somewhat patronisingly, and it the pit of my stomach, its there. Regret, deep regret, i wish i hadnt left, i wish i wasnt crazy, i wish i had been strong enough to stay there when i was depressed and i wish i had realised that the dreams of going to college to become a make-up artist hasnt overridden the dreams i had of getting far within banking.
Its too late though, i walk to the job centre, avoiding eye contact with anyone in town, fighting back the tears i could feel welling up.
The Job centre, was the most humiliating and anxiety-provoking experience i have had in my life. I have never felt so dumb, so out of place and so looked down on before in my whole life.
I leave feeling, and i hate to be so crude, but feeling totally wank.
I walk back to the Bank, the new guy, tells me that Robert is on his lunch, so i walk out and ring Robert, who comes down 2 minutes later, he only had 25 minutes left, so we stand and have a cigarette and talk rubbish, then he buys me a Ribena and we have another cigarette.
I tell him that i would honestly go to work for him, he is hating it at the minute, but i tell him, "the only thing worse than working there, is not working there."
Back at Roberts i spend the day, getting ready for the night ahead, Kerri was coming over and me and her were going out. Robert was going to Adam's work meal, Jodie and Liam would also be there, as Liam worked with Adam.
Watch some random TV, have a shower, borrow a hairdryer from Robert's downstairs neighbour, oh the JOY of facebook. Talk to Jodie online, wait for Robert to finish work.
He gets in, but has to get ready pretty much straight away. Adam arrives at 18.45, and they leave together, i watch the soaps, then turn my GHD's on and begin to curl my hair, while have an extremely hilarious conversation with my aunty Andrea on Facebook.
Kerri and her friend Viki arrive at 21.30.
I quickly do Kerri's make-up, and we sit and have a drink or two.
Viki is quite socially awkward, she is a year younger than us, and you can tell, whereas, Jodie, 2 years younger than us, you cant really tell, but maybe that is just because we are used to her. Viki is a nice girl, but quite naive, her ex boyfriend will be at Heights (the nightclub we are going to) with another girl, Viki is still sleeping with him, me and Kerri cant seem to get it through to her that he isnt worth it. This sort of behaviour from women, annoys me, probably because i am scared that with my fear of being alone, if i was to get into a relationship, i would act in much the same way. I hope not though.
We leave Roberts, leaving the key under a stone for him, in case he wanted to change on the way from the restaurant to the pub.
We have a laugh on the way there, Kerri gets out enough money to pay for me and her and buy us some fags, she is amazing in that way is Kerri. There was a point in our lives where i paid for EVERYTHING for her, nights out, fags, she came to my house every weekend, and i would supply the alcohol, now when i need money she will ALWAYS lend it to me. Credit to me though, if i owe someone money, i will always pay up.
Heights is a drunken blur, we dance, we drink, we smoke, we go for wee and lipgloss touch up. Some of my other friends are there, Nadine and Lauren, we hang out with them a bit.
The only bad thing of the night is that, when on the dancefloor, Kerri hugs Viki and dances with her more than me, and something in me snapped, i hit Kerri, only on the arm, and not that hard, but she hugged me straight away and apologised. I feel awful about that now, how dare I? It is so immature, i am too possessive, its really not good.
Apart from that, the night goes OK. Me and Kerri run out of money, so Lauren buys us some chips to share and we go home.
We raid Roberts cupboard and Kerri has tinned new potatoes and vegetable soup, whereas i go for the new potatoes and mushy peas.
Crazy!

We have an in depth and drunk talk about music in bed, before going to sleep.
Me and Kerri.

My night with Roberts friends

So Thurday, i get out out of bed at 4pm, i know right, ridiculous, but i didnt get to sleep til 5am, thats still 11 hours sleep, what a lazy cow!!
I got downstairs and my stepdad had my dinner ready, i ate it, and then went and sat on the sofa.
My mum and stepdad were stood in the kitchen chatting, my stepdad popped his head round the door and in his most patronising voice "Misha can you that washing up, before the boys go to bed."
I dont know why but it just made my blood boil, its the only thing either of them have said to me for a few days, so i decided i would go to Roberts, i text him to check it was ok, he said it was fine.
Then gave me a call.
"I'm going over Adams for tea tonight, but then we are going to Hob if you want to come."
"I might do," i said, "i'll see."
I did the washing up and got dressed, did my hair and make-up and packed my bag, my mum had gone to netball so i just left the house, saying goodbye to Richard on my way out and went to Roberts.
I had some Vodka there, so i drank that, Robert text to ask if i wanted to go to Adams for tea but i decided to go after they had finished.
I finished off the vodka, watched Eastenders and then it was time to go. I felt a bit nervous, because i knew there would be quite a few people there, that i didnt know, but put it to the back of my head, took a deep breath and knocked on Adams door.
A girl called Jade, answered the door, and Robert came and met me in the living room, i took my coat off and then followed them into the dining room and then through to the kitchen.
Robert got me a glass to drink my wine, everyone was in the conservatory smoking.
when they came out, Adam gave me a hug and introduced me to Anna and Robin, i already knew Laura, who i happen to have a very small crush on.
We sat in Adams dining room listening to old pop songs and talking, and it was actually quite nice, even though i had that feeling that i couldnt quite be myself, always feeling a little on edge, but then all the friends i have at the moment are people i have chosen, i am not used to hanging around with people i didnt kind of chose myself.
Robert and Adam were very couply, i didnt really care, which is good.
When we were nice and drunk we went to the Hob, where we met terry and Tristan, another gay couple very close to Adam, i get on with Terry really well.
Robin, an extremely good looking gay man was going round the pub begging people to go to Chicago's with him, i agreed, i was drunk and thought it would be fun, plus i knew Laura was going.
Robin and Anna then taught me some dance moves to some Steps songs, the Robin introduced me to a lesbian called Katy, who was going to come to Chicagos, and we left, i hugged Robert, Adam, Terry, Tristan and probably a few other people i didnt even know goodbye and we left.
There was no queue for chicago's we went in, bought a drink and went out to the smoking area, i did my usual trick of minesweeping, which means stealing random drinks.
Anyway, i danced the night away, leaving at about 2.30, after telling Laura i fancy her, Robin had asked me if i did and i didnt want him to tell her.
I got some chips and went back to Roberts, watched some tele, cooked a garlic bread and then went to bed, where i couldnt sleep.
It took me a long while, but eventually i got there, waking up at 7.40 to let Robert in.

This quote defines me

"i'm all alone, nobody wants me, i am sad boring little person who has to be centre of attention every second of the day, just to drown out the screaming of my own insanity! i will never have anyone of my own!"

Just had to share that.

Being unemployed

I'm officially, a bum, an unemployed bum.
I'm not enjoying it, its really not very fun at all.
I've been applying for jobs non stop, i have a telephone interview at a bank on Friday, it happens to be in Derby, over 100 miles away from where i live, but my Nan lives in Derby, so if i get it i will go and live with her.
It seems crazy, that i spend all my time, terrified of people leaving me, and hating not being around the people i love 24/7 but i am prepared to move to Derby.
Robert is officially going out with Adam now, and i can see it lasting a long time, and even if it doesn't, i shouldn't let me and Robert go back to the way we were, because i'll only have to go through all this again in the future.
I know i need to start living life for myself and get used to my own company and be happy with that, and get all the other areas in my life to a point where i am happy with them.

My list
1. Getting a Job
2. Being able to spend time on my own, without feeling depressed
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Save money
6. Buy a Chanel Foundation

Last year i quit my job in a bank to go to college and study media Make-up.
I have realised my ambition isn't to be a make-up artist, but to earn enough money to buy all the make-up i want, and store it, and organise it, and play with it.
As soon as i started college all my inspiration went and make-up wasnt fun any more, since i left college, i've become obsessed with my make up again and i love it!!
I think its time to tidy my room, sort out my make up desk, and start afresh.
I'm feeling happier, just for writing this, i dont quite have the motivation i need, but i want to work on it.

Hurt, angry and Just really down

2 weeks before Christmas was the last time me and Robert went out and he didn't end the night with Adam. 

So last Wednesday i asked him whether on Saturday night, me and him could have a night out, he said, no, he has plans with Adam. 

So i left it, he had already made plans, that was fine. 

He came back to me the next day and said actually his plans with Adam were in the day, so he could come out, i was happy, but still apprehensive, i kind of knew it wasnt going to go to plan. 

Saturday night comes and Kerri and James are coming too. We have a few drinks at Roberts and head to a bar, have a few more drinks then head to the nightclub. James doesnt have his ID and cant get in, so we walk round to the next night club and the queue is over an hour long. 

We go and book James a taxi to go home, get his ID and come back. 

Robert then announces, "Terry (adams friend) is at home on his own, he wants to go out but Adam and Tristan (Terry's boyfriend) are out, and the only place he will go is the Hob (the gay pub)."

"But Robert you are out with us!" i say, i'm angry, but try not to show it, but the fact i am upset is impossible to hide.

"Terry is on his own!" Robert says, as if that makes it ok, "he might not even want to go."

"So if he wants to go, you are going to go?" i ask. 

"Yes," Robert replies. 

I could have actually burst into tears, emotion was shooting through my body like fire, anger, hurt, pain, i felt betrayed. 

Robert rings Terry and Terry has changed his mind. 

But in the back of my mind, now, i know Robert doesnt actually want to be out with us. 

And there is another thing, Adam is out, but clearly didnt ask Robert to go, because like i have mentioned before, Adam often puts his friends in front of Robert, something Robert doesnt understand, so Adam is out somewhere in town, the only reason Robert is out with us, is because Adam hasnt asked him to be out, but if he 'accidentally,' ends up in the same place then he can still go home with Adam. Because lets face it, he wouldnt have come out with us in the first place had he been invited out with Adam and his friends. 

So anyway, me, Kerri and Robert go to heights, i figure this may be the last time we go out together for a long time, so try and forget my anger and have a good night, and it is a good night, until at 1am, Robert announces he is going to DT's (bar/club) to see Adam. Kerri and James then argue, i'm not sure why and James leaves, so me and Kerri leave, we cant get into DT's, i ring Robert and tell him Kerri and James are going home and can he come out. he hangs up on me. 

I text him asking if i should just go home then, he replies, yeah u may as well, i might be staying at adams. 

Yeah if Adam asks him. 

Kerri and James make up and James kindly says i can stay at his, so me, Kerri and James, get a kebab, go to Roberts get our stuff and get a taxi to James' house. 

I am still so angry with Robert, he used us, because his new friends werent available. 

My only consolation is that Adam clearly isnt as impressed by Robert as Robert is by him, nothing is on Roberts terms, Adam can pick him up and drop him as he likes, and Robert just has to take it. well good. 

Roberts meant to love me, he is my best friend and has been for years and i'm pissed off. 

I am so angry that i'd rather be on my own than be with him. 

He promised me when he first started seeing Adam that it was important that i liked Adam, and that he really liked him, but i would still be important to him. Well i'm not important to him, clearly.. 

He has new friends now.
I feel its the end of an era, and i'm not going to be a mug and try and change it back, i'll just have to move on, it will be hard in this world without my best friend, but i dont need to be treated like that! 

it hurts though, the one person in the world who loved me more than he loved anyone else, just has suddenly stopped giving a shit. 

Oh well, thats what happens when your best friend is the most fickle, gay, emotionally retarded person you have ever met. 

My summary of 2009, the reason it was so damn amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfJuU0xu1zI

Just wanted to share why 2009 was the best year of my life!
At the end of every year i make one of these, i might share 2008 and 2010 later, but i just wanna give some praise to 2009.
If you skip to 2.43 its where it gets interesting, but watch it from the start if it doesnt bore u too much.
i cant get my youtube to link with my blog.
So if any of you know how i can do this let me know!

just wanna say, i would put 2009 on a loop if i could!!

The fucking hypocrisy

I can moan all i want about my friends ditching me, cause not once in my entire life have i done it to them!
But when Kerri turns round to me and moans about the fact Robert wont help James rip his carpet up it makes my blood boil!!!
fair enough its a rapid boil, quick to cool down.
But oh, she is a hypocrite.
Last year, i had to practically die to get her to tear herself away from James for five minutes. I asked her to come to the doctors with me, but she bought him along, knowing, i wouldn't want him to come, therefore had to go alone!
She came to London for my 20th and moped about wishing she was with him the whole time.
So fair enough, Robert should help james, if he said he would, but he owes James nothing, and he clearly really likes Adam and Kerri of all people should understand people ditching their mates for men!!

Random Mood increase

Just spoke to my Auntie, and now i have started feeling a little more positive.. Which is always good!!
But my bloody neck hurts!

Watching the National Television Awards, this is the first year Doctor Who hasn't won its catergory since it started back.
Hmm down to the actors or the writers? Me thinks the writers, Matt Smith isnt a patch on David Tennant but he is good!!

I dont want to grow up

My motivation and energy is low, my mood is decreasing steadily and I cant even lift my head for very long to write this. I don't want to sink into depression I want to push myself to avoid this. I've spent the last week up, even if it was just energy wise not genuine happiness.

I'm looking after my brothers while my mum is up the hospital again, I cant wait until bed time, I am being a rubbish sister.

I just want to curl up into my bed and stay there, for 3 or 4 weeks and then when I come out, I want to be well enough, to sort my life out and make myself feel happy and then try and live a normal life for ever.

I've realised I have an alcohol problem that I need to address, in the fact that I don't believe I have a personality worth knowing unless I have had a drink.

I'm not happy, I don't have much more to say, this blog may suffer while I am going through a bad patch. Either in the way that I wont write anything, or everything that I write will be depressing, jumbled nonsense. I apologise in advance if this is the case.

Me and my care worker began to address my INTENSE fear of being alone today, I cried, and become a little bit, gazey-out-of-the-windowey. Great! Stopping talking to the one person I feel comfortable talking to.

Robert is officially an adult now, he is going round Adams for tea. I'd laugh if the only thing I wanted to do wasn't to cry!

I'm not ready to be an adult.

I find it unfair that you get between 16 and 20 to be a proper teenager and then that is it.. Fun is over, grow up and make yourself enjoy the boring monotonous humdrum of adult life, there's nothing more to see here!!

I spent my whole life wanting to grow up, and now I wish I could live the last four years of my life, over and over again. I don't feel I can move forward, I don't have a path to go!

A very difficult 24 hours

OK, a lot has happened in the last 24 hours. My step-dad has been taken ill in hospital.

He went on a fifteen mile run and got back just before dinner, he said he wasn't feeling well and took himself off to bed, where he was sick. Then he started getting severe chest pains and we had to call him an ambulance, the ambulance came and took him to hospital, my mum followed up in the car.

So it was just me and my brothers, I told Jodie what had happened via Facebook and text Robert. He was at Adam's friend Terry's house having a meal, but agreed to come over afterwards, which ended up being 10.45pm, Richard (my step-dad) got taken at 5.30pm. Oh well thought, better late than never.

I kept myself busy, keeping the brothers occupied and doing the washing up, which as you can imagine, with six people after a full Sunday roast was no small feat! Putting the boys to bed and watching a bit of TV.

My mum got back around midnight, and went to bed straight away, Me and Robert watched a little bit of TV then went to bed also. He mentioned Adam, or one of Adams friends in every single conversation and it was hard for me not to tell him to 'shut up,' but I don't want to make things worse do I?

My mum woke me up at 10am to come and look after my brothers. They had done some tests on Richard in the night and she needed to get up to the hospital.

My brothers are doing my head in at the moment. James who is 7, is a complete wind up merchant and knows exactly where to get me, Ben who is 5 can be lovely, but sometimes just copies everything James does, and that's when it gets troublesome, Joseph, 9, is fine, a total Angel, most of the time.

Ben has just informed me that he has bought a pet dog online, I only hope that isn't true, he is very clever with the internet. I've just told him he needs Money, so he is currently checking Roberts coat pockets for spare change, luckily Robert is still in bed! Not that there was any change in there!

I can hear Robert moving about in my bedroom, probably doing his make-up.

I know I should be, and I was yesterday, but I don't feel very worried about Richard at the moment, Liam has been texting me constantly to check how he is, so has Jodie, Kerri has asked over Facebook, I just feel like, I know he will be fine.

My mood has been pretty standard for the last few days, just at the Normal but a little, irritated, agitated and sometimes a bit angry stage. I fear its going to plummet soon, or rocket, one of the two. I also don't know why, but I feel like I am controlling it, like I am somehow holding up a barrier to depression and mania, and its taking all my energy.

My mum comes home, and I exhaustedly fall asleep on the sofa, only to be woken, when we are all about to leave. My mum takes us all, including Robert to Mcdonalds, then drops me and Robert off at his house and the boys to see Richard.

I'm staying at Roberts as I have an appointment with my Careworker, Sharon the next morning and its easier for me to meet her in that town. Me and Robert curl up on the sofa and watch TV all night.

Low Self-esteem, an interview and some drunken texts

I'm at home, watching my 9 year old brother playing online poker, my 5 and 7 year old brother just generally being crazy and my Mum extremely hungover, peeling potatoes and complaining she feels really sick.

I'll quickly tell you that my interview went quite well yesterday, I felt confident, for some reason in job interviews my mouth takes over, my brain takes a back seat and I haven't got a clue what I am saying, except it sounds good!

After the interview I went back to Roberts for 2 hours, he told me he was going clubbing with James, so I made a swift exit. For some reason I was tearful on the train journey home. The only thing I had in my head was the thought that I wasnt good enough.

I dont want to dwell on this, but perhaps it would be a good thing to get down and out of my head, nothing I do is ever good in my mums eyes. I think its her more than me, but she physically cant be positive. For instance, I buy some new clothes, she will think they are 'ok,' nothing special, I get my hair cut and she looks at me like i'm mad to say I like it. I come downstairs today in my suit, the jacket she bought me, and the trousers, but she turned up her nose and shook her head.

She once said these words to me, “i wanted a nice little girl, pretty with blonde hair.”

I was about fourteen when she said that, now don't get me wrong I know she loves me, but i'm not what she wanted or expected.

I'm ginger, naturally, if she wanted a blonde child, she should have had a ginger boyfriend, I dye my hair black, religiously, its what makes me feel best when I look in the mirror.

So anyway I get home and my mums already drunk, she wants me to get drunk with her and has already invited Jodie and Liam over to join the party, for some reason i'm not in the mood to get drunk, this may sound normal, but for me it isn't, I haven't been 2 weeks without drinking for the past 3 years, and yes I know how bad that is, and I honestly want my life to not revolve around alcohol, but its like our hobby.

I'm thinking about how much I want to quite drinking so much, how I want to not be so dependant on my friends, how much I want to eat healthily, and do things that are healthy for me. I'm getting into the phase where I am tired all of the time, but its not correlating with my mood, i'm not depressed, i'm irritated by things and annoyed, and angry at things, but not depressed.

I don't know how to discipline myself enough to be a normal good person, but life is a work in progress, so everything is a work in progress, so i'm not going to give up, no matter how many times I have to press reset and start again.

Back to last night, My mum went to bed, extremely hammered, to say the least, I stopped drinking and made myself, Jodie and Liam, some chips, cheese and gravy, our favourite food.

Jodie decided she could easily do 20 shots of beer, she got to 11 and gave up, Liam took offence to the fact she had said she could do something and then didnt do it, and announced he was going to do nine, which he did.

Robert called me, he was also wasted, “Misha, I love you, how is your night?”

“Not bad,” I say, “Liams done nine shots.”

Robert tells the people in the pub he is in, “Liam's done nine shots.”

“Jodie has only done 11, but she said she was going to do 20.”

Robert repeats it... As Liam pours himself a tenth. Jodie steals the tenth shot, and its her 12^th, Liam pours another, and drinks it, and then another.

“Liam has done 11 now,” I tell Robert.

Liam claps his hand to his mouth and runs out of the room, “and now he has been sick!”

“He's been sick,” Robert calls to the pub, “Right Mish, i'm going back in, text me when you go to bed.”

I hang up and look at Jodie, who is looking very pleased with herself, “i think I won!” she says smugly.

I cant help but laugh as I hear Liam being sick, he does it every week, but for the past few weeks has been really good, it served him right, he had already beaten Jodie, by doing his ninth shot, but had to be smug and try and do two more. He doesnt know his limits but still wants to make everything a competition.

We go into the bathroom as Liam has gone quiet. He's sleeping on the floor covered in sick, i'm usually drunk by the time this happens, so it's weird seeing it sober.

Jodie shouts at him, “Get up now Liam!”

He gets up, takes his t-shirt off and threatens to throw it at Jodie, she threatens to slap him if he does, he throws it at her, she slaps him, he tells her she should just go home. Then we all make our way to bed.

Robert texts me i'm smashied in tthe hob loos x

I text back Why are you in there lol x

Robert – On the flopor

Robert (again) – Totakky ficked, need to sdiber uop x

Me – Get up and wash ur hands and pretend you're sober. U ok yeah? X

Robert – Y needf eda we, ytwh in foois x

Robert (clearly concentrating) – I meant, i'm good. X

After that I lay down and try and sleep, it takes about an hour and I get quite stressed out.

I wake up to a horrendous head ache, get up, come downstairs and write my blog. 

Jumbled Thoughts

I'm in a thoughtful mood. I havent quite made sense of these thoughts yet, they're all still a little jumbled in my head, but i'm going to get them down anyway.

The interesting points of my week.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with a psychologist as well as my care worker, my first meeting with an actual psychologist, I went in, feeling quite good, I think I was hypo-manic at the time to be honest, full of confidence and bubbly, I left feeling drained. We spoke about things that were locked inside of me, things I dont talk about, not that they are secrets as such, and its not that I am scared to talk about them, they just dont come up in my life, and i'm not comfortable with discussing things, 14 months ago, I couldn't even tell my doctor I was depressed without making it seem smaller than it was just so I could escape her office as quickly as possible.

Anyway, back to the point, the meeting was draining, yet I felt I was finally getting somewhere.

On Wednesday I spent the day at college, when I got home, I couldn't keep my eyes open and was in bed by 8.30pm. Not to wake up until 1pm on Thursday, I know right, a bit excessive.

I went to college on Thursday and was immediately in the mood to go out, I had asked Robert if I could stay at his, and he said that was fine, but he might be staying at Adams, I had an appointment with my care worker on Friday morning in the town Roberts lives so I agreed that I was ok to stay at his on my own.

I text him and said I was really in the mood to get drunk with him, and he text back that he was too and did I want to go to the pub.

I assumed, he had decided not to go to Adams in favour of spending a night with me and him.

Oh how wrong I was. Turns out Adams friends are more important to him than Robert, Adam was round his friends house who was going through a difficult time. Adam is more important to Robert than I am, knowing Adam wouldnt ask him to come over when he got back from his friends at 11pm, Robert knew that going to the pub would secure the fact he could stay at Adams. But he wasnt going to go on his own, so he used the fact I was in the mood to go out and suggested me and him go.

I thought It was weird, that even though the pub was dead, Robert refused to move on somewhere else. But it clicked when Adam turned up. Robert knew Adam would stop in on the way past, so he manipulated me and the situation to be there, knowing, Adam would then ask him to stay.

I feel a little sorry for Robert, i've never seen him in a relationship where he has absolutely no control, if Adam wants to see him friends he has no qualms in putting Robert on hold, where as Robert will basically, mug even his best friends off in favour of Adam. I wish I was Adams friend right now to be honest!

The fact of the matter is, that although I feel completely and utterly used by Robert, I wont say anything, cause I need him to much to purposely start an argument with him. He doesnt know what he's done wrong, cause all he can see at the moment is his own world, and we have all been there!!

I wish I had the strength to focus on things that are good for me, I want to do my college work to the best of my ability, get a job and actually go, without calling in sick or going in hungover, or hating it, I dont want to spend all my money on getting wasted cause thats what my friends do. I dont want to wait around to be needed by my friends. I need them so much, but they're only their when they need me, and I am always there, and I always will be, but I need to do things that are good for me!!

So today, Jodie, needed a bank account, so I took her to get one, Robert needed some treatments for his skin, I helped him pick them, Kerri needed some toiletries, she had given Jodie the money, but Jodie didnt know which ones to get, so I picked them out, cause I just know! I revolve around them.

So yeah they are my thoughts, I have a job interview tomorrow in a shop next door to the bank I used to work in, and I tell you its going to take a lot of energy but hopefully I will do well! I am looking forward to it anyway. I will let you all know how it goes.

An impulsive night out

Saturday the 16^th of January

Wake at 8.30, get dressed and walk across the road to work, I cant be bothered and wish I didn't have to stay there until 5, I'm knackered, but end up having an OK day. I get the confirmation that they cant change my hours to fit around college so the next day will be my last day.

At exactly 5pm, my friend Lucy from college calls and asks what I am up to that night, my mum Is still in Slough and I don't much fancy spending the night at home with my step dad so I agree to try and get some money and go over hers.

It takes me half an hour to get the courage to ask Richard for 20 quid, but he agrees easily and at 6.12pm I am on the fourteen minute train journey to the next town. The town where I feel my life is based, its where I go to college, where I lived for 2 years, where I worked for 4 years and where Robert and James live.

I get off the train and can see Roberts house, I need my necklace from him so I go over.

I press the buzzer.

“Hello?” comes Roberts voice.

“Hiya,” I say, “i am just smoking, but buzz the door for me.”

We chat for a bit when I hear James' voice, “Robert why don't you just let her in?”

“She's smoking!” Robert says.

“is that Livick?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Right I am coming up.”

I go up the stairs and let myself in, Kerri is also there. Its awkward for a few minutes before I bring up the fact Jodie and Liam spent the whole night arguing the night before.

I ring Lucy and say that I'm at Roberts but wont be long. In truth if I could I would spend the whole night just sat here with Kerri, James and Robert but cant, Robert getting ready to go to Adams, Kerri has work the next day so needs to get the train home to the town where me and her live, and James is due to go home too.

We have an in depth conversation about mistakes that we make at work. Me and Robert used to work in a bank together, I worked there for 3 years, he has been there for 2 and a half, James is the manager of a tile shop and Kerri is a care assistant is a residential home for the elderly.

Then its time to go, we leave the house together, Kerri and James go one way, me and Robert the other, we exchange hugs and kisses and say goodbye.

“Adams cooking me dinner tonight,” Robert says rolling his eyes, “i hope its just like, we're having dinner, not having a nice meal together.”

“It probably wont be,” I try to reassure him, he isn't into romance, “Adam said he cant cook that well, so it will probably be something simple.”
“I want beans on toast!” Robert laughed.

“You're not a student!” I say, “thats me!”

We get to the end of Adams road and I hug Robert goodbye. It doesn't feel too bad.

“Be safe!” he shouts across the road.

“I'll try!” I call back, before walking the rest of the journey to Lucy's.

Me and Lucy, go to the shop, buy some cheap Cider and decide to go to heights.

We're pretty drunk by the time we get there to be honest and take over the dance floor, and that's when she kisses me. Its nice, I will admit, I've kissed many of my friends before, but this was very different, everyones looking at us, we're putting on quite a show to be fair.

I see one of the guys I slept with once while very manic, and turn it up with Lucy 'accidentally,' pushing into him so he definitely notices, then introduce her as my girlfriend. Unfortunately she then decides she fancies his brother and at the end of the night, the four of us go back to hers.

Benji (the one I slept with) pays for the taxi and buys us all a kebab, after we eat, I decide its bed time and go and get in Lucy's bed.

I load facebook on my phone and write this status.

I am sleeping in Lucy's bed and I swear if anyone except Lucy gets in bed with me, I'll beat them up!

Just so he is under no illusion that he is welcome in bed with me. He makes me feel sick.

So I go to sleep, around 2 hours later, Lucy gets in bed, Benji sleeps on the floor and his brother on the sofa. Its been a good night.

Annoyed, but hypo-manic and a little bit borderline

Friday the 15^th January

Woke up feeling very good!! I have lots of plans for today, I am going to tidy my room, clean my make-up kit, do an exercise DVD, do a college project, help a friend in need and basically make sure that I am doing something at all points.

Apply for jobs i'm not even sure i'm qualified for! That's always fun!!

My phone woke me up again this morning.

Jodie – Where are you?

Kerri – Are you at work or college?

Clare – Are you going out tonight.

I reply, wish Jodie luck for her interview later, tell Kerri I am in fact at home and tell Clare that no, i'm not going out I am staying at home.

Clare replies within two minutes.

Just need to see some people. Had a massive falling out with my family, I might be moving out, and I need to get out of this house.

I text back saying that she is welcome to sleep at my house tonight but I do have work tomorrow, and Jodie and Liam may be here as well. The fact is that Clare is extremely defensive and having stayed at her house for 3 months in 2008 I know she often STARTS the arguments, plus I havent seen her for about 5 months and think its odd how she has text me now. But then she doesnt have any other friends other than Robert and I.

Jodie tells me she is babysitting my brothers tomorrow and that her and Liam may stay round tonight.

I get out of bed and come downstairs my mum is definitely in the house, but i'm not sure where exactly. Make my self some toast, eat it, have a cigarette and avoid thinking about anything in depth.

Later, after a little bout on the computer, I'm feeling in that mood where I want to make myself a different person, i'm going to concentrate on two things now.. Losing weigh and doing brilliantly at college! So off I go to do my fitness DVD!

Fitness DVD done, I managed half an hour, which is good considering I havent done any exercise for around five months, my friend Jodie will be in her interview at Clarks shoe shop right now, where I worked for year when I was 16.. I really hope she gets it. Gutted I dont have an interview yet, but I haven't even left my old job yet, I hate being unemployed makes me anxious cause I know how hard it is to get a job nowadays. I have good experience though, lots of sales and retail experience and if there is one thing I am good at, its job interviews.

Haven't spoken to Robert at all today. Strange but i'm not feeling that bothered. My emotions feel very detached at the moment, it may not be healthy but i'm protecting myself and that good. I've decided (for the millionth time in my life) that i'm going to do every thing I can to make myself into the person I want to be, although i've never exceeded, but that's no reason to stop trying.

Oh and i'm doing a 2 week drinking detox, I started Sunday and havent drank since, tonight will be the first challenge though. It will make me feel better in the end though, I havent been two weeks without drinking for over 3 years, officially I am probably an alcoholic, although i'm not addicted to alcohol itself, i'm addicted to going out, and I cant go out without drinking, so technically I am.

My mum is going away to Slough tonight, so I am stuck at home with my brothers and stepdad, I know it sounds horrible, but I hate being at home when my mum isnt here.

Jodie just text me, she is out of the interview, she is going to get the train to my house and tell me about the interview. So i'll have some company soon! :) Jodie is going to see if her boyfriend Liam will stay round mine with her tonight, that will be good for me, they get on with Richard (my stepdad) more than I do.

OK now its ten to eight and my drinking ban has not gone well, I am at home with Jodie and Liam drinking a glass of Jaques cider, having found out that my two best friends Kerri and Robert are going to a club tonight without me, I have to say that I am pissed off to say the least. I spend my whole week wanting to spend time with Robert but cant because he is with Adam, and then the one night he isnt with Adam he doesn't even bother seeing what I am up to!! So fuck him.

I can have a good night with Jodie and Liam and I am bloody going to!

To be honest I am being unfair, Robert knows I have no money and that I have work tomorrow so he knows I actually couldnt go out even if I wanted to, but it would still be nice to be asked.

We're watching Coronation street as I write this, then Eastenders, then we will have some more drinks and i'll let you know what happens!!

We spend the night really very drunk, Jodie and Liam argued constantly and I felt like a marriage counsellor. Robert called me at midnight, he had left Kerri in the club and gone to Adams, leaving Kerri to stay at his house on her own. She updated her facebook status at around 2am saying she was lonely and scared sleeping on her own.

She is my best friend, I dont ask a lot from her, in fact I rarely see her now she has her own boyfriend, it went pretty quickly from seeing her every day, well she was living with us, to now, I see her once every two or three weeks. We fell out a few months ago, and I now know the only reason she made up with me is cause her sister, who is Jodie, reminded her she would have no one if she split up with James.

So anyway a few nights ago I asked her to stay at Robert with me, but she didnt, she left at 10pm because James wanted to. For about six or seven months I havent tried to ask her to be with me instead of James, one because it wont work and two because she would rather be with him. But I needed her, for one night and that was two much for her. So I am glad she was lonely and scared, because she didnt care when it was me. Had she rang me up and asked me if she could come to mine, I would have let her. Of course I would rather her be ok than not be ok, i'd do anything to make her not lonely and upset if I could, but the other part of me thinks, 'this serves you right.'

At 4am, Jodie's knackered and me and Liam are still going strong, Jodie announces she wants to go to bed, and Liam says he will go with her when she does. I dont want Jodie to go to bed, but there is nothing I can do to stop her, so instead I stop Liam. All I have to say is one thing, then they will argue, she will storm to bed and he will stay downstairs with me, it not the fact I want him, I just dont want to be on my own. So I say it, and sure enough they argue, she leaves, he doesnt follow.

I wish I didnt though, I spend the next hour trying to talk sense into him and about his and Jodie's relationship, It sounds mean, but they do my head in, they clearly love each other, but she winds him up and says horrible things to him, and he cant let things go. They are both as bad as each other. It turns out Jodie was in the kitchen listening to the whole conversation, so I make a quick exit to bed and leave them to it.

A day in the life of a Bipolar girl

Thursday 13^th January 2011

Dolly Partons voice comes to me, shaking me out of sleep, I look at my phone, its Robert.

I'm not quite awake enough to answer it, I know why he is ringing, and I know he'll ring back straight away, so just look at the phone until it stops. Sure enough a few moments later he rings again.

“Hello?” I mumble, extremely tiredly, feeling confused and knowing I sound it, its a morning thing for me.

“I'm now walking past the Hob,” he says referring to the pub around 3 minutes walk away from his house where I am staying, “so i'll be about five minutes.”

“What?” I ask, its the confusion, I need things reiterating.

“You'll have to let me in, in five minutes,” he says patiently.

Only in my mind would the first thought be 'its three minutes from here to the hob, why is he saying five, but I suppose its morning so he wont be walking at his usual pace, might take him four and a half, but I wouldnt say five, unless I take 30 seconds to let him in.”

“Ok,” I say after a small pause, “see you in a minute.”

Robert had been staying at him boyfriend Adams, something that I am sure you will learn is on the verge of triggering me into depression, or a rebellious not giving a flying shit about anything or anyone phase, that some people may call mania, as I am being diagnosed with bipolar, but I just like to call it, protecting myself.

He has work at nine and for some reason always comes home in the morning to get ready.

Anyway I hang up and look at the ceiling, he lives in a flat on the top floor of a three story building, he'll press the buzzer and i'll buzz the front door open with the button on the phone directly outside his bedroom door. 'shit!' I think, then I have to go downstairs to let him in the door to his actual flat. I cant be bothered to see him right now so jump up and run downstairs, feeling a little light headed at the sudden moving within 40 seconds of waking up. I unlock the front door and run back to bed.

The next think I know, its 13.32, I grab my phone and check facebook straight away, its sad, but its habit, and I feel lost if I dont know what everyones doing, I have around 6 really close friends who wont have written much since I last checked it, but its always good to see what Robbie who I met while clubbing on New years eve 2009 is up to!!! Even if I havent spoken to him since!!

I find out that Roberts having a bad day at work, that the weather is a bit warmer in the north of my country, so much so that my Nan is wearing one less layer than normal, (yes my nan has facebook! She signed up mainly to promote her business, but now is an addict like the rest of us!). That Kayleigh a girl who is friends with a girl that I am friends with has a new kettle and needs to buy her daughter a new PE kit. They are just a few examples of the important things I have learned today!!

I lay down for a minute and notice I have a missed call from a friend on my college course Megan. Wondering where I was at 10am no doubt, I refuse to go into college for 'compulsory study time,' I'm 20 years old, I can organise my own study without being locked in a room for 6 hours for no reason other than that, because our old teacher was bad, they have had to make sacrifices for us to have a new teacher, that being he can only teach 4-7, so they cant let the 16 year olds on my course loose all day, so they make it compulsory for us to be in the classroom. Well I'm not having that!!

I get out of bed and go into the living room, its 17.5 degrees so I flick the heating on and check if my trousers are dry, they are so I put them on, I go to the toilet, have a drink and go downstairs and outside for a cigarette.

This is the first time I think, think about how awful the night before was being on my own, how I sat in the middle of the living room floor with the TV on pause and cried, had an anxiety attack, talked to myself and truly believed I was mad. Told myself in the mirror how much I hated myself a million times, then went on to have a fairly normal evening of watching tele.

The one question I ask myself all day long, and I hope my highlighting helps you understand the tone.

“How am I MEANT to be ok with this?”

My best friend goes from spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with me to spending it with someone else, in the space of a week and I cant just take that in my stride and deal with it. I know I have to, but I cant.

I head back upstairs and force down a muller rice, last week I was put on Seroquel at a dose I couldnt handle, it stopped me eating, and i'm still not hungry, but i'm trying to lose weight and know that starving yourself is the worst thing, so I am making myself eat!

I'm off the seroquel now, against my pdocs advice, but oh well.

I put the radio on and tidy the flat, Roberts a clean freak, we lived together for two and a half years and I didn't exactly pull my weight in the cleaning department, so now i'm trying to make up for that by keeping his flat clean when he lets me stay. Its my own mess really so I should, but I can be selfish sometimes and applaud myself on the fact I cleaned up.

I bring my suitcase into the living room and get out my hair straighteners and my make-up kit (i'm at college training to be a make up artist) put my hair back, straighten my fringe and do my make up. An 80's inspired bright green, defined crease if you were wondering!! with a lot of eyeliner. Usually before college I dont do my make-up because usually its 7.30am and knowing i'll be doing make up all day, i'm not in the mood.

I sit on the laptop for a while, then gaze out of the window, then I pack my stuff up and head out of the door towards college.

I bump into one of my best friends James outside of his work place, he was on his lunch, I take my ear phone out and have a quick chat,

“what are you doing?” he asked, looking genuinely please to see me for a change.

“Off to college!” I say.

“Bit late?” he says.

“No I have college 4-7 on a Thursday.”

“Oh, right I gotta go in, my mums in there! Everyone turns up on my lunch today!”

I laugh and wave good bye and continue my walk.

At college I sit with my friend Lucy, we're doing special effects, razor cuts on the wrist.

If thats not a trigger for a person with a tendency to self harm who is on the verge of depression I dont know what is. But somehow the thought doesnt overcome me. Lucy expertly makes my wrists look horrific and I do the same to her. Noticing the real scars on her wrist. We're not that close that I can bring them up.

The lesson ends and I leave. Feeling a little happier, I think.

Robert rings me, he is at the supermarket that I will pass on the way back to his, I meet him.

“Just bought some vodka and orange,” he says walking a few paces ahead, my feet are hurting, usually he would walk at my pace, I dont know why he isnt, in my stomach I get butterflies, he is desperate to get home, so he can get ready and go to Adams, I dont know this, but I soon find out that I am right.

We get into his, I get a drink and he says, “i've planned to go to Adams at 8,” my stomach sinks, “you can get the 8.36 train though if you want.”

“No, its fine,” I say emotionlessly, “i'll get the 7.36,” I stand up, get all my stuff together and stand in the doorway of the living room, “i'll see you later then,” I immediately turn round and head for the stairs.

He follows me, “you have 20 minutes yet!”

I'm stressed, I dont want him to see me upset, so I force a smile and say, “i am going to have a cigarette outside the train station.” I turn away but he is still following me.

He makes a noise, like a baby noise, I reluctantly turn back to him, he is opening his arms for a hug, very unusual for him, I know its cause he knows i'm upset. He is very self-centred, so he knows its cause I wont see him for a while. I briefly hug him before going downstairs and leaving the house. I would usually call goodbye to him before leaving, but I cant. I get to the train station and am buying my ticket before I cry.

Its only a few tears, then I stop. Realising i'm not distraught, i'm tired and pissed off!

I have no right to be though and that makes it worse.

I sit on the train staring out of the window, wishing the journey would last forever and that I would never have to face up to life again.

But the train does stop, and I walk the short walk home, I let myself in and no one is home, I put some chips in the over and have a cigarette. My stepdad gets home.

I'm irritated, so obviously everything he does irritates me, so I go upstairs and wait til my mum gets home to come back down.

I sit down at the table with my food with my three brothers, Joseph 9, James 7 and Ben 5. Joseph and James pay no attention to me and eat their tea, Ben chats some crazy stuff and makes me laugh, then eats his toast and helps himself to my chips!

Then they go to bed.

I hug Joseph (who has high functioning autism, and adores me!) and tell him how much I love him! I rub James the boyish boy on the head and sit on my laptop.

About an hour later I go to my room.

I go on facebook and talk to a boy, he is 21 and I find him unattractive, but i'm feeling desperate, he then asks me if I have any single mates, and I laugh my head off. He finds me just as unattractive, i'm not really phased by it and just stop talking to him.

I go downstairs and sit on the laptop. I find myself at 3am, and i'm not tired, I dont feel depressed and I dont feel lonely. I feel like taking out a payday loan and leaving the country! And a little sick.

I feel like my moods on a wheel, and the wheels still spinning and I dont know where its going to land. Maybe tomorrow will tell.